The Cats Were Still Suckling

On my 16th birthday, I asked for a cat of my own: a delicate and high-strung silver point Siamese. I named her Ina after a cat that lived on the shoulder of a hippie I’d met downtown the previous summer. Ina was a very anxious cat, not in small part because of the way we taunted and teased her.

Ina produced a litter of kittens whose father we never identified because the kittens were pure black. It was a pretty, interracial sight to watch her lying there, the white and silver mom with her pure black brood lined up nursing on her.

But something went wrong as the cats grew because they never weaned. When they were bigger than she was, they would be lined up, still suckling. We would shoo and, I’m sorry to say, slap them away to no avail. We’d come back later, and they’d be feasting again.

I have a patient whose 25-year-old son has moved back home and she is supporting him, both of them blaming the economy. I understand that finding a job can be challenging, especially for many young people just out of college. But this mother is interfering with her son growing up and emancipating. He’s “still suckling” when he’s bigger than she is.

In humans, it’s called “codependence” when we do for another adult something they should be doing themselves. It doesn’t help them; instead, it infantilizes and keeps them child-like and dependent. For each person in a codependent relationship, growth is stunted. Each needs to let go, wean, and get on with their life.

In addition to the son in the above relationship needing to move on and create his own adult life, the mother needs to let go of being an actively involved mother and deal with her sadness about her empty nest. Only then will she be able to create a fulfilling post-mothering life for her later years.

For humans who are struggling with codependency, we are lucky to have 12-step groups like Alanon and Codependents Anonymous and the classic self-help book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. For cats like Ina and her babies, maybe someone will eventually step up to the plate and start self-help groups for other species. Any takers?

© 2022 Catherine Auman

Catherine Auman, LMFT is a licensed therapist with advanced training in both traditional and spiritual psychology with over thirty years of successful professional experience helping thousands of clients. She has headed nationally based psychiatric programs as well as worked through alternative methodologies based on ancient traditions and wisdom teachings. Visit her online at catherineauman.com.