Member Article

The Narcissist’s Playbook: Manipulation Tactics Common in Divorce

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

You knew divorce would be hard—but you didn’t expect this.

One minute your spouse is charming and cooperative, the next they’re cold, cutting, and claiming you’re the unreasonable one. Friends hear one story; you’re living another. And as the legal process unfolds, you start to wonder: Am I losing my grip, or is something else going on?

If this feels familiar, you may be experiencing the classic tactics of a narcissist during divorce.

When Divorce Becomes a Battleground

Divorcing a narcissist is not like a typical breakup—it becomes a game of psychological chess.

First, there’s the outward struggle: a spouse who rewrites history, twists conversations, lies effortlessly, or uses the legal system to intimidate you. They may withhold finances, manipulate the children, or launch a smear campaign to damage your reputation.

Then comes the emotional toll: you feel confused, exhausted, and constantly on edge. You start doubting your own reality. You wonder if you’re overreacting or if anyone will believe you. You feel trapped in a cycle you didn’t choose.

At the deepest level, there is the question of fairness: No one should have to defend their sanity against someone who pretends to be the victim while causing harm. No one deserves to be manipulated by the person who promised to love them. It’s simply wrong—and it’s why so many people feel hopeless.

But the truth is this: you don’t have to let their playbook determine the outcome. There is a better way forward.

A Better Path Forward

I’ve been a divorce mediator for more than 30 years. I’ve guided thousands of individuals through high-conflict, emotionally charged divorces—many involving partners with narcissistic traits.

I understand how draining and disorienting this process can be. I care deeply about helping people like you find clarity, regain control, and move through divorce without losing yourself in the chaos.

Below, I’ll walk you through the most common manipulation tactics used by narcissists—and how to neutralize them. You’ll also see why mediation can be a powerful tool for protecting your wellbeing and preventing unnecessary emotional and financial harm.

1. Gaslighting: Rewriting Reality

Narcissists are masters at distorting the truth. They deny conversations happened, twist your words, accuse you of things you never did, and make you question your memory.

How to protect yourself:

• Keep communication written whenever possible.
• Save texts, emails, and voicemails.
• Stick to facts rather than feelings in disagreements.

Mediation can help here—because the presence of a neutral guide limits their ability to rewrite the narrative.

2. The Victim Act: Playing Innocent While Attacking You

In public or in court, they may portray themselves as calm, wounded, “trying their best.” Meanwhile, behind closed doors, they’re doing everything possible to undermine you.

How to respond:

• Don’t take the bait.
• Document inconsistencies.
• Present evidence calmly and professionally.

Mediators are trained to see through performative behavior and keep the process focused on truth, not theatrics.

3. Financial Manipulation: Money as a Weapon

This may include hiding assets, cutting off access to funds, refusing to pay bills, or suddenly changing spending habits.

Protect yourself by:

• Gathering all financial records early.
• Monitoring shared accounts.
• Seeking professional guidance before confronting them.

In mediation, financial transparency is required and enforced, making it harder for them to manipulate resources.

4. Using Children as Leverage

Narcissists may attempt to turn the children against you, control visitation, or make false claims about your parenting.

Your strategy:

• Keep interactions child-focused and calm.
• Avoid reacting emotionally to provocations.
• Maintain a clear record of all parenting actions and communications.

A skilled mediator ensures children’s needs—not the narcissist’s ego—remain at the center.

5. Smear Campaigns and Reputation Attacks

They may spread rumors, exaggerate flaws, or try to isolate you from friends, family, or professionals.

Countermeasures:

• Stay grounded in your truth.
• Avoid engaging in character battles.
• Maintain strong boundaries and supportive relationships.

Mediation reduces the opportunities for public drama and helps you resolve issues privately and respectfully.

When You Feel Doubt or Resistance

It’s normal to worry: Will mediation still work if my ex is manipulative? Will I be steamrolled again? These concerns are real—and valid.

But mediation doesn’t mean surrender. It means structure. It means a trained professional ensures conversations stay productive, boundaries stay intact, and the narcissist can’t derail the process.

Many clients are surprised at how empowering mediation feels once they have someone guiding the process and enforcing fairness.

Take Your Next Step Toward Peace

You don’t have to keep spinning in circles. You don’t have to keep defending your sanity. You don’t have to let a narcissist dictate the tone or outcome of your divorce.

You can take back control.

Imagine this: a future where you’re no longer fighting the same exhausting battles… where decisions are made fairly… where your voice is finally heard.

That future is possible—and it starts with taking the first step.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com