Life Scripts: What Are They and How Do They Influence Our Lives?

The first time I heard the term “Life Scripts,” I was in my Master’s program in Marriage and Family Therapy. At that time in the ‘80s, Transactional Analysis was one of the foremost therapeutic models being taught in graduate schools. It was and is a great tool in understanding our roles and rules in our Family of Origin system. According to Eric Berne, the Canadian-born psychiatrist, who created the theory of Transactional Analysis as a method of explaining human behavior: “A Script is a life plan based on decisions made at any developmental stage, which inhibit spontaneity and limit flexibility in problem solving.”

Our Life Script is being written from the moment we are born as we unconsciously respond to the messages from our parents about ourselves, others and the world. It is how we interpret these messages that creates the blueprint for our lives. And each child in the family will interpret those messages differently. One child may be a disciplined individual, a self-starter eager to succeed in any chosen endeavor, while another may be terrified of using her many talents because she interpreted her parents’ emphasis on the importance of education as an indictment of her tremendous gifts as a dancer, singer, artist and decorator. She would often say, “What I am good at is not OK with mom and dad. I was never great at school but boy when I entertained others, I was so happy and so were my audiences.”

Every movie, TV show, play and news report has a written script, which contains the plot, the subject matter, the philosophy of the writer, the main characters, the supporting players, etc. No matter how good the actors, news anchors, reporters, producers and directors are, if you don’t have a good script as a foundation, the project will be a failure. That’s how the “script doctor” came into being in Hollywood. That’s why book and article writers have editors who are skilled in helping the writer develop a story which successfully conveys what the writer wishes to express.

So why does knowing about the importance of having a positive, supportive, loving Life Script so necessary in a client’s healing and growth? Why is it imperative that clients know that they are living the script which they wrote all through their childhood and adolescence? Because their script is the blueprint, a map for their lives. As I said above, a bad, poorly written script will never produce an excellent book, TV sitcom or Broadway play. 

So, it is with our real Life Scripts. Imagine growing up in a family with loving, supportive parents who listen to their children, watch what interests them and know where their talents lie. These parents are writing a Life Script grounded in love, optimism, encouragement and the type of guidance children need to succeed in their endeavors. Unfortunately, most of my clients have Life Scripts filled with so many negative messages that they end up in my office in pain from the disappointments and hurts in their lives.

Most clients are amazed that they are making choices in their lives from the Life Scripts which they unconsciously created. They just know they are hurting and want to feel better. If I want to help my clients, I must discover the causes for their pain. And one of the best tools for that is the Life Script. I must gather as much information as possible about their very early years in their family of origin. 

The Life Script Questionnaire that I use is a great tool as it asks 72 very basic questions like “Describe your father/mother as you felt as a child.” “What did your father/mother want you to be?’  “How did your mother/father compliment/criticize you?” “What was your father’s/mother’s main advice to you?” “What did you decide about life when you were little?” “What happens to people like you?” “What do you like/dislike about yourself?”

These are such basic questions that must be answered in order to know who we are now, because we are shaped and molded by those early years when, like sponges, we soaked up the atmosphere, the words, the actions, the philosophy, the successes and failures of the family in which we grew up. Our understanding of those early years is the key to unlocking the door to an entirely new life anchored in optimism, mental and emotional strength and unexpected areas of creativity where one’s talent will shine and inspire all with whom we come into contact. It’s a great journey. Do you want to jump on board?  

Leila Aboohamad, LMFT, is a psychotherapist practicing in Brentwood, West L.A., and Santa Monica. She specializes in helping individuals and couples create successful, committed loving relationships. Leila also works with gifted, talented, and creative adults, helping them to identify and share their special gifts and passions with the world. Website: www.leilalmft.com.