Guest Article

Don’t Give Up the Ship!!

Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert

I'm somebody who finds adversity is almost as good as encouragement. It's almost like, you close the door, and I'll find ten ways to kick it in and go around it or dig under it or something. -Diane Warren

Once I sent out a very proud announcement of several ships that had just come in. I wanted everyone on my list to know how happy I was about my success. Bursting my buttons I wrote a “Ship Ahoy!” announcement and bragged that my book was going to be featured in Entrepreneur magazine, I was making a guest appearance on a TV show and also on NPR!

But right after I sent out that announcement, every ship I had bragged about coming in—sank. At first, I was terribly embarrassed. Here I had told the world all this great stuff was happening for me, and all of it had just landed in the drink. How humiliating!

But then I started to laugh. And then I started writing the next newsletter:

“’Ship ahoy!’ comes the cry from the crow’s nest! Followed by ‘Oops…’ 

“Do you find your email inbox flooded with proud announcements of awards, good PR, new contracts, new classes starting, newsy newsletters full “My ship has come in!” stories? Me, too. 

“This one is different. It’s a sunken ship announcement.  

“Right after telling you about all my good news last week, one of my new ships sunk. My television appearance ended up on the cutting room floor. Shoot. It’s never fun when ships sink, but it’s particularly annoying when they sink at the dock while you’re unloading it. Then the radio show I taped turned out to be a local show in Florida, not Marketplace which has an audience of millions. And it aired during the middle of a hurricane. Okay, so it’s a leaky canoe instead of a cruise ship, but maybe somebody heard it and bought a book…As for the Entrepreneur magazine article, we have called the Coast Guard and they are out scouring the seas on a search and rescue mission…

“Oh, well, in the entertainment industry they have an expression for it— ‘That’s show biz!’ And as Jack Canfield told me, here’s the four-letter word to use when ships sink: ‘Next!’ Because the Universe now owes me a ship, don’t you think?

“Don’t give up the ships! Keep sending them out, even in the face of icebergs and disasters. Babe Ruth hit more home runs than any other baseball player of his era—and he also struck out more times than any other player. 

“The price of success is failure. Successful people are just willing to fail more often than most people.”

“So take heart when some of your ships sink. Because there are others that may not be at the dock just yet, but they are just over the horizon, laden with treasure and sailing home to you. No energy is lost, every positive step taken is rewarded. The ship that comes in may look different than the ship you sent out, but you earned every bit of treasure in its hold.”

An amazing thing happened then. In the next 24 hours, I was completely overwhelmed with responses to that newsletter. Whereas I usually received 25-30 congratulatory messages when I send out notices about good news, my “Sinking Ships” letter got over 160 replies. 

Here is a sampling of some of the delightful responses I received from the Dolphins in my pod, filled with clever ship analogies.

“Ahoy matey, fear not, there be yachts and dinghy’s at your pier! Thanks for sharing this girlfriend :)”—Lise

“I'm so sorry about your sunken ship. I just wanted you to know that I have an extra life jacket if you need it, and I'm always willing to share my own personal life raft with you—anytime. Thinking about you here in sunny Sarasota.”—Your friend, Suzanne 

“Thank you for this. I've had a couple of ships sink recently (I got cut out of the final edit of a People magazine article for one :(( ) I really needed this...I'll just keep sending them out.”—A fan, Donna 

“I think what was so powerful about your email was that those of us who have taken your class look at you as someone who is immune to having a ship sink. You reminded us all that even your harbor sometimes has a dry dock and as disappointing as that might be, you feel it, acknowledge it, and then keep going. I love you too Chellie. Have a great day!—Rebecca

“Thank you for that email, it helps you remember what you need to remember! :) You rock!!!! Even in the face of icebergs you still inspire!”—Katrina

“Thanks for inspiring even with sunken ships. Your new name—Chellie Onassis. Many more ships to come.”—Lynda 

“You are my role model, not because of your many and on-going successes, but because of how you handle your sunken ships. I have had a similar week and your email arrived at the perfect time! Both are cruise ships are circling the harbor!”—Love, Victoria

“The Queen Mary is sailing your Way Chellie! Get your Wide-brimmed hat ready!”—Gratefully yours, Cathy 

How can you continue to feel bad about a few silly sunken ships when you are surrounded by loving friends like these? 

I still cry when I read their beautiful notes. It was a great lesson to me to continue to open up, to be vulnerable; that sometimes love comes more easily to you when you need a shoulder to cry on and a cup of tea than when the world is cheering you from the stands. 

We think we get love from being fabulous and successful and rich, but that isn’t it. Sometimes that’s an impenetrable wall that keeps people isolated. Being perfect is not the best way to reach people. Being vulnerable is.  

People want to know you need them. People want to know you’re like them. Everyone has sinking ships, everyone cries in the night, everyone needs a pat on the back and a hanky upon occasion. Your Dolphin friends love to be there for you when they can see through the chinks in your walls to your tender heart within. 

Open up. Let them in.

Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert, is the author of bestselling books The Wealthy Spirit, Zero to Zillionaire, and From Worry to Wealthy: A Woman’s Guide to Financial Success Without the Stress. She has been treating Money Disorders like Spending Bulimia and Income Anorexia in her Financial Stress Reduction® Workshops for over 25 years and is still speaking, writing, and teaching workshops—now as Zoom classes and The Wealthy Spirit Group on Facebook—with participants from all over the world. Website: www.chellie.com.

Member Article

You’re Divorced. What Now?

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

Divorce can feel like the end of a chapter, but what if it was actually the beginning of something new?

Picture this: you’ve just signed the final papers, the last chapter of your marriage is closed, and now you’re left with the question—what’s next? The road ahead may seem daunting, filled with uncertainty and doubt. But it doesn’t have to be this way. What if you could find a way to not just survive but actually thrive after divorce? Let’s explore how you can turn the page and start a fulfilling new chapter in your life.

The Problem 

Divorce isn’t just the end of a relationship; it’s the start of a new and often daunting chapter in life. This transition can bring a complex mix of challenges that may feel overwhelming.

Right after divorce, you may face logistical hurdles—handling finances on your own, navigating co-parenting schedules, and confronting the social stigma that often surrounds divorce. But it’s not just the practical aspects; the emotional toll can be just as heavy. You might feel lost, lonely, or even guilty, questioning your self-worth and wondering if happiness is still within reach.

On a deeper level, divorce can shake your core beliefs about fairness and justice. You may find yourself asking, “Why did this happen to me? Wasn’t marriage supposed to last forever?” It can feel deeply unfair to be left picking up the pieces while life seems to move on for everyone else. But it’s important to remember that it doesn’t have to stay this way—there is a path forward, and it starts with realizing that you have the power to shape your future.

You’re Divorced. What Now?

As overwhelming as these problems might seem, there’s hope. I’m Steven Unruh, a divorce mediator with over 30 years of experience, and I’ve helped countless individuals navigate the complexities of life after divorce. I care deeply about helping you find peace and fulfillment during this challenging time, and I’m here to share some insights that can guide you toward a brighter future.

1. Embrace the Change

Change is never easy, but it’s essential to embrace it rather than resist it. Life after divorce is a chance to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. Start by setting new goals for yourself—whether they’re related to your career, personal development, or hobbies you’ve always wanted to explore. By focusing on what you can control, you’ll begin to see this change as an opportunity rather than a setback.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Your well-being is paramount during this transition. Make time for activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. Exercise regularly, eat healthily, and consider practices like meditation or journaling to help manage stress. According to Harvard Health, regular exercise can reduce symptoms of depression by up to 30%, making it a powerful tool in your post-divorce recovery.

3. Rebuild Your Support System

Divorce can be isolating, but it’s crucial to rebuild your support network. Surround yourself with friends, family, and professionals who can provide emotional and practical support. Joining a support group for divorcees can also be incredibly beneficial, offering a safe space to share experiences and gain insights from others who have been through similar challenges.

4. Focus on Co-Parenting

If you have children, co-parenting will be a significant part of your life after divorce. Prioritize open communication and collaboration with your ex-spouse to create a stable and loving environment for your children. Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics indicates that children who experience cooperative co-parenting have better emotional and academic outcomes than those who are exposed to conflict.

Start Your New Chapter Today

You might be thinking, “This sounds great, but what if I’m not ready to move on?” It’s natural to feel hesitant or even stuck after such a significant life change. Remember, healing takes time. The goal isn’t to rush the process but to take small, manageable steps toward rebuilding your life. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider reaching out to a therapist or mediator who can help you work through these emotions and develop a plan for moving forward.

Imagine a future where you wake up each day feeling confident, fulfilled, and ready to embrace whatever comes your way. This future is possible, but it starts with taking action today. As a seasoned divorce mediator, I’ve seen firsthand how divorce mediation can help individuals find clarity, reduce conflict, and create a solid foundation for their post-divorce life. If you’re ready to take the next step, I’m here to help you navigate this journey with compassion and expertise.

Don’t let divorce define you—let it empower you to create the life you’ve always wanted.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.

Guest Article

The Power of Words: Rethinking How We Describe Aging

Kim Scott, LMFT

As I listened to Miley Cyrus's song, "I Used to Be Young," I found myself reflecting on the words we use to describe ourselves—and our clients—at different stages of life. The chorus goes:

"I know I used to be crazy
I know I used to be fun
You say I used to be wild
I say I used to be young."

"You tell me time has done changed me
That's fine, I've had a good run
I know I used to be crazy
That's 'cause I used to be young."

It's a catchy tune, but it got me thinking: does aging really mean we're no longer fun, wild, or crazy? Is "having a good run" the best we can hope for? I suspect the adjectives we often use to describe older adults are not only inaccurate but also pejorative. Words like "feeble," "decrepit," and "senile" come to mind. How often do we assume that aging means poor hearing, an inability to drive, or a lack of technological savvy? Meanwhile, younger people are often described as "energetic," "curious," "ambitious," or "dynamic." Sure, sometimes we refer to seniors as "wise," "experienced," or "dignified," but are any of these adjectives truly age-related? I know that not all seniors are wise, and not all young people are curious or energetic.

Breaking Down Age Stereotypes

In her book Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live, Becca Levy, Ph.D., presents compelling research showing that our beliefs about aging can add or subtract nearly eight years to our lives. Dan Buettner, who studies communities where centenarians thrive, found that those who live the longest often have positive beliefs about their life expectancy. These beliefs influence not just our longevity but also our memory, recovery time, stress levels, and overall quality of life.

Unfortunately, age-related stereotypes are so deeply ingrained that we rarely question them. From a young age, we internalize these beliefs, which are often perpetuated by the media. For many young people, portrayals of seniors on TV and in movies might be their only exposure to older adults, making these negative stereotypes even more powerful. As we age, these beliefs can morph into self-stereotypes, becoming self-fulfilling prophecies.

Dr. Levy identifies three pathways through which negative age beliefs impact our health: behavioral, psychological, and biological.

Behaviorally, someone who views themselves as old, worn-out, or frail might adopt a more fatalistic outlook, making them less likely to seek medical care or follow through with healthy habits.  A healthcare provider who holds negative views of seniors might also be less likely to recommend tests, referrals, or aggressive treatments.

Psychologically, someone who feels like a burden or irrelevant might be too ashamed to ask for help or even take care of themselves. This mindset can lead to a "what's the point?" attitude, affecting both mental and physical health. From a biological standpoint, negative age beliefs can elevate stress levels and increase the production of stress hormones. Dr. Levy's research found that older adults with negative age beliefs had a 44% increase in cortisol over 30 years, while those with positive beliefs saw a 10% decline. Chronic stress, as we know, can accelerate the aging process and shorten lifespan.

Shifting the Narrative

To quote Carl Jung, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This wisdom highlights the first step in improving our health, longevity, and quality of life: becoming aware of our negative age beliefs and helping our clients do the same. In Breaking the Age Code, Dr. Levy offers the ABC Method to confront negative age beliefs and encourage positive, life-affirming perspectives.

The "A" stands for Awareness. We can help our clients become aware of their beliefs by asking them to list the adjectives they use to describe themselves and other seniors. Are these words mostly negative, positive, balanced, or neutral? Next, we can guide them in distinguishing fact from fiction by comparing these adjectives to themselves, their friends, and their role models. Byron Katie's book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life offers a helpful framework for challenging these thoughts:

1. Is this belief true? Does this stereotype truly describe you and all seniors?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Unless you know all seniors, you can’t possibly know if a stereotype is accurate.
3. How do you react, feel, or respond when you believe that thought?
4. Who or what would you be without the thought?  If you saw yourself through a strength-based lens, would you be more likely to engage in life?  Would you feel happier?

By encouraging our clients to examine their stereotypes about aging, we can begin to dismantle their limiting beliefs.

The "B" in Dr. Levy's process stands for Blame—or more precisely, identifying the real causes of ageist beliefs. For instance, are these beliefs rooted the media, societal stereotypes or what you learned in your family of origin?  In essence, we are utilizing the CBT skill of cognitive restructuring to assist our clients in identifying, evaluating for accuracy, and replace agist and distorted thoughts.

The "C" stands for Challenge. We can support our clients in challenging self-stereotypes using Byron Katie’s method or by replacing stereotypes with accurate information. A common example that comes up is when a senior brings an adult child to a doctor’s appointment, and the doctor addresses the adult child instead of the senior. We can encourage our clients to brainstorm ways to confront this practice in the future. Simply reminding the doctor to speak directly to them can be a powerful way to challenge this ageist behavior. Additionally, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly effective in helping clients identify and reshape these distorted thoughts.

The Takeaway

Negative age-related stereotypes are far from harmless. They affect our clients’ emotional well-being, self-care practices, and longevity. By helping our clients reframe their thoughts about aging, we can empower them to live fuller, healthier lives.

Kim Scott, LMFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth. Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit her website: www.kimscottmft.com

LA-CAMFT’s Declaration
of Inclusion, Diversity, and Anti-Racism

Psychotherapy can be transformative in a democratic society, and can open intellectual inquiry that, at its best, influences and results in lasting positive change. In recognition of our shared humanity and concern for our community and world, LA-CAMFT loudly and overtly disavows all racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, classism, ableism, ageism, and hate speech or actions that attempt to silence, threaten, and degrade others. We in LA-CAMFT leadership hereby affirm our solidarity with those individuals and groups most at risk and further declare that embracing diversity and fostering inclusivity are central to the mission of our organization.

As mental health professionals, we value critical reasoning, evidence-based arguments, self-reflection, and the imagination. We hope to inspire empathy, advocate for social and environmental justice, and provide an ethical framework for our clients, our community, and ourselves.

We in LA-CAMFT leadership are committed to:

(1) the recognition, respect, and affirmation of differences among peoples

(2) challenging oppression and structural and procedural inequities that exist in society, generally, and in local therapeutic, agency, and academic settings

(3) offering diverse programming content and presenters throughout our networking event calendar, as well as in our workshops, trainings, and special events

While we traverse the turbulent seas of the important and necessary changes taking place in our country, in order to form a “more perfect union.” we wish to convey our belief that within our community exists an immense capacity for hope. We believe in and have seen how psychotherapy, therapeutic relationships, and mental health professions can be agents of positive change, without ignoring or denying that the practice and business of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy have historically been the cause of great harm, trauma, and emotional toll, particularly for people of color and other marginalized groups. We are committed to doing our part to help remedy that which we have the position, privilege, and/or resources to do so.

At LA-CAMFT events, all members are welcome regardless of race/ethnicity, gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, disabilities, religion, regional background, Veteran status, citizenship, status, nationality and other diverse identities that we each bring to our professions. We expect that leadership and members will promote an atmosphere of respect for all members of our community.

In a diverse community, the goal of inclusiveness encourages and appreciates expressions of different ideas, opinions, and beliefs, so that potentially divisive conversations and interactions become opportunities for intellectual and personal growth. LA-CAMFT leadership wants to embrace this opportunity to create and maintain inclusive and safe spaces for all of our members, free of bias, discrimination, and harassment, where people will be treated with respect and dignity and where all individuals are provided equitable opportunity to participate, contribute, and succeed.

We value your voice in this process. If you feel that our leadership or programming falls short of this commitment, we encourage you to get involved, and to begin a dialogue with those in leadership. It is undeniable that the success of LA-CAMFT relies on the participation, support, and understanding of all its members.

Wishing good health to you and yours, may you find yourself centered in feelings of abundance, safety, belonging, and peace.

Standing together,
The LA-CAMFT Board of Directors and Diversity Committee