From Breadcrumbing to Zombieing:
An Online-Dating Dictionary for the Uninitiated

Do you have clients who are navigating the world of online dating? If you haven’t been dating in the last few years, you need a primer to navigate all the latest dating trends and terms. Here is a roadmap to some of the trends—both new and old.

How is dating different now?

Communication

People have entire courtships via text, which most millennials refer to as “talking”—as in, “When we were ‘talking’ last night, he ‘said’ X, and then I ‘said’ Y.” The unlucky dater who is much better in person than on a 5-inch screen draws the short straw here. By the same token, people are attracted to matches who are clever texters, even if they may be sorely lacking as partners in real life.

Choice

Literally thousands of potential matches are available to anyone with enough time and energy. Daters believe they can be super picky about what they are looking for, because there is so much choice. Do you prefer a guy with a beard—no problem! Do you prefer a woman who surfs—you got it!

This illusion of choice results in many daters giving up very quickly after meeting someone if they don’t feel instant chemistry. I often have young women in my office who complain that they aren’t good at being themselves on first dates, and that guys should not just write them off if they seem too chatty or too quiet. Yet they do the same thing to the guy who doesn’t text them back quickly enough in-between dates. Abundance of choice makes you less persistent.

Rejection

Rejection hurts—and there’s a ton of rejection in today’s dating world. In fact, we know that rejection, even virtual rejection, fires up the same part of our brains as physical pain. Anyone on the dating apps these days knows that they need to be emotionally ready to experience constant rejection as part of the process. Not just after a date, like in the old days, but every single time they open the app.

The Lingo:

New Words for Old Behavior: (Sorry Millennials, you didn’t invent this stuff!)

Breadcrumbing

When someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested.

Benching

Similar to breadcrumbing—keeping you “on the bench” in case the first string doesn’t work out.

Ghosting

Suddenly disappearing without a trace. Almost everyone I see in my practice complains about being ghosted, and almost everyone I see has also ghosted someone. It’s marginally acceptable now.

Zombieing

When a date from the past arises from the dead to suddenly send you a message as if nothing ever happened in-between.

Submarining

Same as zombieing, basically. Different metaphor.

Words for Behavior Made Possible by New Technology:

Orbiting

When someone is on all your social media but never contacts you directly. Frustrating if it’s someone you’d like to see less of, but sometimes exciting if you think they’re interested in you. Unfortunately, if they are interested in you, and this is how they show it, it’s not a particularly good sign…

Haunting

Same as orbiting, different metaphor, more negative.

New Words That Are Interesting Psychologically:

Whelming

One of the newest arrivals in the dating dictionary, “whelming” was just coined at the end of January this year. It describes the behavior when a match complains that they are totally overwhelmed by all the attention they are getting on the apps.

This is most often characterized as obnoxious behavior that shows the “whelmer” for the jerk they are. Most likely, though, this behavior is simply the easiest way for someone to prove their desirability in the 7 seconds of attention they are allotted from their latest match. Awkward, yes; jerk, no.

Patia Braithwaite, who coined the term “whelming,” says, “Whelming is what happens when my matches spontaneously lament about how overwhelmed they are by their other matches instead of, you know, flirting with me.” I would posit that flirting with her is exactly what this guy was doing, however badly.

Fleabagging

A term coined from the popular show, Fleabag, where Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s character repeatedly dates the wrong guy. Of course, repeatedly dating the wrong guy is what dating is. When you find the right guy, you stop. So many of my clients bemoan the fact that all the guys they date are just wrong. This is generally where we take a moment to clarify expectations.

Fleabag’s character takes this practice to the limit, though, when she chases after a priest in Season 2. Perhaps Fleabagging should be reserved for describing people who date others only if they are completely inappropriate or unavailable.

Fleabag is such a colorful show, that there is some controversy over what the term Fleabag actually means. Don’t be confused if you hear it used to describe someone who slips a critical comment into an otherwise inane conversation, or to describe a character who speaks in asides directly to the audience.

Negging

Negging is when someone puts their date down by saying something negative about them—a “neg”—to make them feel inferior. Often it is subtle, and the recipient isn’t even quite sure if it’s a joke or if it’s real. Either way, they are often caught in a web of manipulation, as they try hard to impress them and prove them wrong. This toxic dynamic can be strangely compelling, and I have seen quite a few clients in my office who have fallen victim to this practice.

This is my personal favorite of all the new dating terms, because it describes a practice that therapists have long seen in relationships, but that clients rarely understand. Having a specific name for it means that public awareness of this behavior is skyrocketing, which is always a good thing when it comes to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Good news for therapists—though dating has changed, feelings are the same! Unhealthy behaviors adapt to recent technology, but rejection, heartbreak, and all the feelings associated with dating are timeless.

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.