Member Article

When One Spouse Wants a Divorce—And the Other Doesn’t

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

You wake up one morning to the words you never expected: “I want a divorce.” In that instant, everything you believed about your marriage, your future, and yourself feels catapulted into uncertainty. It’s not just the shock of bad news—it’s the jolt of a world you’re not prepared for. You didn’t see it coming, and now you wonder: What does this mean for me, and how did things get here?

Why This Feels So Hard

Being the one who wants to stay doesn’t just bring painful decisions—it brings layered challenges:

• On the surface, everything shifts. Day-to-day routines crumble, lawyers enter the frame, and conversations about your shared life turn cold and transactional.

Inside, you’re drowning in grief, confusion, and guilt, wondering if something you did—or didn’t do—pushed them away, or asking yourself how you could be standing on the brink when all you ever wanted was to hold them close.

●      And on a deeper level, it feels downright unfair. No one gets married expecting to be left behind. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong promise—not a risk you didn’t even realize you were taking.

But there is another way forward—one where you don’t have to go it alone or let despair win.

A New, Kinder Path to Separation

For over 30 years, I’ve helped people like you navigate one spouse wanting a divorce and the other screaming “Stay.” I’ve done it with empathy, structure, and the firm belief that you can move forward without tearing your family apart in the process. 

You don’t have to pick between peace and fairness.

You can have both.

1. Start with Clarity, Not Confrontation

When emotions are high, conversations go sideways fast. Instead, try a mediated session or structured dialogue. Express your needs calmly (“I feel lost and scared, and need to understand what comes next”) and listen—yes, listen—without planning your rebuttal. This sets a tone of respect and reduces defensive reactions.

2. Take Control Through Understanding

Find out where they’re coming from, even if it hurts. Are they overwhelmed? In love with someone else? Or simply reached a wall they can’t navigate? Understanding doesn’t legitimize their choice—it gives you more control over how you respond. Knowing their emotional drivers helps you decide how you want to show up.

3. Let Mediation Bring Structure—and Humanity

A neutral mediator can hold space for both of you to be heard, without judgment or grandstanding. Mediation:

• Gives you shared control of outcomes (not a judge),
• Keeps your children out of the crossfire,
• Allows joint problem-solving rather than forced compliance.

It’s a space where your worth is honored—even if the marriage isn’t.

4. Prioritize Your Emotional Health

You may feel guilty just for acknowledging your own pain—but you’re not wrong to feel it. Seek therapy, join a support group, or just let a trusted friend know: “This isn’t fair, and I’m trying to hold it together.” Resilience isn’t about being unbreakable—it’s about giving yourself the time, safety, and support to heal.

5. Rebuild Around Values, Not Circumstances

Divorce doesn’t have to mean starting over in chaos. Together with your mediator or coach, identify your core values—integrity, compassion, stability—and let them guide your next steps, whether that’s co-parenting agreements, financial planning, or designing a peaceful life post-divorce.

“They’ll Never Want Mediation!”—A Common Fear

If you’re thinking: “Mediation means giving in,” you’re not alone. But real strength comes from choosing cooperation over confrontation—and from keeping your children out of battles. And if you believe they’ll never agree—I’ve seen breakthroughs happen with the right structure and support in place.

A New Chapter Is Possible

You don’t have to be shattered today to be whole again tomorrow. There’s compassion, clarity, and even renewal waiting on the other side of this. And yes—you can honor your desire to stay and your spouse’s decision to leave in one graceful motion.

With mediation, we can make this transition fair, peaceful, and firmly rooted in respect—for you, for them, and for the life that’s still waiting to be lived.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee

presents

White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR)

Third Sunday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Sunday, September 21, 2025
3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Online Via Zoom

The goal of White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR) is for white-identified therapists to become effective allies in support of decolonization and racial justice in our clinical practice, therapy association, and community. Recognizing that racism is maintained when whiteness is invisible to white people, WTFR provides a forum for white-identified therapists to explore what it means to be white. While this process includes learning about structural racism and deconstructing the false narrative about race, a primary focus in the group is on doing inner work.

How Do I Join? To join this group, please click here to complete our online submission form. Once submitted, a group facilitator will reach out to you for next steps.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.

For more information or if you have additional questions, please send all inquiries to the facilitators at WTFR@lacamft.org.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Sunday, September 21, 2025 from 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Where: Online Via Zoom (Once you complete the online submission process, you will be emailed a monthly Zoom link.)

Cost: No charge

Facilitator(s): Estelle, Randi, and Hazel

LA-CAMFT’s Declaration
of Inclusion, Diversity, and Anti-Racism

Psychotherapy can be transformative in a democratic society, and can open intellectual inquiry that, at its best, influences and results in lasting positive change. In recognition of our shared humanity and concern for our community and world, LA-CAMFT loudly and overtly disavows all racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, classism, ableism, ageism, and hate speech or actions that attempt to silence, threaten, and degrade others. We in LA-CAMFT leadership hereby affirm our solidarity with those individuals and groups most at risk and further declare that embracing diversity and fostering inclusivity are central to the mission of our organization.

As mental health professionals, we value critical reasoning, evidence-based arguments, self-reflection, and the imagination. We hope to inspire empathy, advocate for social and environmental justice, and provide an ethical framework for our clients, our community, and ourselves.

We in LA-CAMFT leadership are committed to:

(1) the recognition, respect, and affirmation of differences among peoples

(2) challenging oppression and structural and procedural inequities that exist in society, generally, and in local therapeutic, agency, and academic settings

(3) offering diverse programming content and presenters throughout our networking event calendar, as well as in our workshops, trainings, and special events

While we traverse the turbulent seas of the important and necessary changes taking place in our country, in order to form a “more perfect union.” we wish to convey our belief that within our community exists an immense capacity for hope. We believe in and have seen how psychotherapy, therapeutic relationships, and mental health professions can be agents of positive change, without ignoring or denying that the practice and business of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy have historically been the cause of great harm, trauma, and emotional toll, particularly for people of color and other marginalized groups. We are committed to doing our part to help remedy that which we have the position, privilege, and/or resources to do so.

At LA-CAMFT events, all members are welcome regardless of race/ethnicity, gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, disabilities, religion, regional background, Veteran status, citizenship, status, nationality and other diverse identities that we each bring to our professions. We expect that leadership and members will promote an atmosphere of respect for all members of our community.

In a diverse community, the goal of inclusiveness encourages and appreciates expressions of different ideas, opinions, and beliefs, so that potentially divisive conversations and interactions become opportunities for intellectual and personal growth. LA-CAMFT leadership wants to embrace this opportunity to create and maintain inclusive and safe spaces for all of our members, free of bias, discrimination, and harassment, where people will be treated with respect and dignity and where all individuals are provided equitable opportunity to participate, contribute, and succeed.

We value your voice in this process. If you feel that our leadership or programming falls short of this commitment, we encourage you to get involved, and to begin a dialogue with those in leadership. It is undeniable that the success of LA-CAMFT relies on the participation, support, and understanding of all its members.

Wishing good health to you and yours, may you find yourself centered in feelings of abundance, safety, belonging, and peace.

Standing together,
The LA-CAMFT Board of Directors and Diversity Committee