Member Article

When One Spouse Wants a Divorce—And the Other Doesn’t

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

You wake up one morning to the words you never expected: “I want a divorce.” In that instant, everything you believed about your marriage, your future, and yourself feels catapulted into uncertainty. It’s not just the shock of bad news—it’s the jolt of a world you’re not prepared for. You didn’t see it coming, and now you wonder: What does this mean for me, and how did things get here?

Why This Feels So Hard

Being the one who wants to stay doesn’t just bring painful decisions—it brings layered challenges:

• On the surface, everything shifts. Day-to-day routines crumble, lawyers enter the frame, and conversations about your shared life turn cold and transactional.

Inside, you’re drowning in grief, confusion, and guilt, wondering if something you did—or didn’t do—pushed them away, or asking yourself how you could be standing on the brink when all you ever wanted was to hold them close.

●      And on a deeper level, it feels downright unfair. No one gets married expecting to be left behind. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong promise—not a risk you didn’t even realize you were taking.

But there is another way forward—one where you don’t have to go it alone or let despair win.

A New, Kinder Path to Separation

For over 30 years, I’ve helped people like you navigate one spouse wanting a divorce and the other screaming “Stay.” I’ve done it with empathy, structure, and the firm belief that you can move forward without tearing your family apart in the process. 

You don’t have to pick between peace and fairness.

You can have both.

1. Start with Clarity, Not Confrontation

When emotions are high, conversations go sideways fast. Instead, try a mediated session or structured dialogue. Express your needs calmly (“I feel lost and scared, and need to understand what comes next”) and listen—yes, listen—without planning your rebuttal. This sets a tone of respect and reduces defensive reactions.

2. Take Control Through Understanding

Find out where they’re coming from, even if it hurts. Are they overwhelmed? In love with someone else? Or simply reached a wall they can’t navigate? Understanding doesn’t legitimize their choice—it gives you more control over how you respond. Knowing their emotional drivers helps you decide how you want to show up.

3. Let Mediation Bring Structure—and Humanity

A neutral mediator can hold space for both of you to be heard, without judgment or grandstanding. Mediation:

• Gives you shared control of outcomes (not a judge),
• Keeps your children out of the crossfire,
• Allows joint problem-solving rather than forced compliance.

It’s a space where your worth is honored—even if the marriage isn’t.

4. Prioritize Your Emotional Health

You may feel guilty just for acknowledging your own pain—but you’re not wrong to feel it. Seek therapy, join a support group, or just let a trusted friend know: “This isn’t fair, and I’m trying to hold it together.” Resilience isn’t about being unbreakable—it’s about giving yourself the time, safety, and support to heal.

5. Rebuild Around Values, Not Circumstances

Divorce doesn’t have to mean starting over in chaos. Together with your mediator or coach, identify your core values—integrity, compassion, stability—and let them guide your next steps, whether that’s co-parenting agreements, financial planning, or designing a peaceful life post-divorce.

“They’ll Never Want Mediation!”—A Common Fear

If you’re thinking: “Mediation means giving in,” you’re not alone. But real strength comes from choosing cooperation over confrontation—and from keeping your children out of battles. And if you believe they’ll never agree—I’ve seen breakthroughs happen with the right structure and support in place.

A New Chapter Is Possible

You don’t have to be shattered today to be whole again tomorrow. There’s compassion, clarity, and even renewal waiting on the other side of this. And yes—you can honor your desire to stay and your spouse’s decision to leave in one graceful motion.

With mediation, we can make this transition fair, peaceful, and firmly rooted in respect—for you, for them, and for the life that’s still waiting to be lived.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.