Do Dating Apps Make Dating Worse
For Your Clients?

I’ve been furnishing a new office this month, and I’ve been almost paralyzed by the number of choices available. I can have any sofa I want: tight-back, pillow-back; tufted, not tufted; wood legs, metal legs; pillows that are reversible or not; grey, blue, beige, leather. And how much do I want to pay/work for it? How far am I willing to drive to see it? How do I know the quality will stand up over time? How do I know my tastes won’t change?

Are you beginning to see the parallels?

We believe that we can custom order our mate.

When our clients go on Tinder, or Bumble, or Hinge, they look for their perfect match. This guy is too short, that woman isn’t fit enough, and what do they mean by “spiritual, but not religious?” Swipe left.

When we used to meet people IRL we had to get to know them before dating them. We knew they were imperfect. We would try to assess whether or not it could be a fit in spite of all the things we might not have chosen to have in a mate.

Some of the things that were absolutely necessary were:

1.    Similar values

Yup, that’s almost all there was to it.

Physical attraction is also necessary for most people, but, as we know, it sometimes comes long after you first meet someone. You remember that co-worker who suddenly seems more attractive than you’d previously realized? Or that childhood friend who—whoa, they really grew up!

How Has Dating Been Changed by Technology?

If you have Millennial clients they won’t even remember a time when most people met IRL before dating each other. Xennials (between Millennials and Baby Boomers) remember meeting people IRL in high school and college, but if they are datingnow they are sucked into the dating app vortex as well. Even Boomers will be seduced by the “illusion of choice” that is so easy to experience online.

So how have things changed? Now, in the age of dating apps, the list of necessary characteristics goes more like this:

1.    Hot
2.    Good at texting

Sometimes it stops right there. Your clients may not think that those are the qualities they are looking for, but often that is all that is necessary for them to agree to a first date. Ask them: “How many times have you chosen to go out with someone who sucks at texting?” The answer is probably “zero”. It’s all too easy to assume that someone who doesn’t text with the frequency and attitude that makes you comfortable must not be a good fit.

All the good-looking jerks who know how to write clever and attentive text messages have a huge advantage over regular-looking nice guys who might be terrific long-term partners. Caveat—this is if you are a woman looking for a man.

If you are a guy looking for a woman, she pretty much just has to be hot. Many guys will admit this. Physical attraction is the first draw, and if it’s strong enough, it’s all that’s necessary at first.

So…all the people who don’t photograph well, or who aren’t good at texting (and we know that this isn’t actually important in a relationship!), or who don’t understand the importance of marketing themselves (isn’t it vain to get professional headshots for Hinge? Um…no.) get eliminated right away. If your clients are among those who routinely get eliminated, they will undoubtedly be discouraged and experiencing low self-esteem.

What Do Our Clients Look For Online?
When they take the time to make a list of things they are looking for in a partner (and it’s often listed in their profile) they tend to look for things that aren’t actually indicative of a future happy relationship. Here are some more of the criteria people tend to look for online, that don’t really matter so much IRL.

3.    Likes to do the same things I do
4.    Same political opinions
5.    Successful in their career
6.    Same religion (or lack thereof)
7.    Dresses well

All of these things build attraction, but, I would posit, are not the important factors in determining who will be a good mate.

You can help your clients make better choices up front, so that they have a much better chance from the get-go of building a healthy relationship!

What Are the Important Things to Look For Online?

Here are some factors that ARE truly important when choosing a partner:

1.    Similar values
2.    Ability to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and behavior
3.    Willingness to work on growing as a person and in your couple.
4.    Mutual respect
5.    Ability to change and adapt to circumstances. Because, life.
6.    Willingness to stick it out when things get tough—there will be some periods where you can’t agree on anything, one of you is sick or depressed, or you have teenagers.

What If My Clients Are Discouraged By The Lists?

I have male clients who see the list of requirements (explicit or implicit) on women’s profiles: must be successful, athletic, tall, smart, have a full head of hair and a great sense of humor, and live close by. Men get very discouraged when they read enough of these profiles. Women seem to believe that they will meetthat guy (common culture exhorts, “don’t settle for less, women!”) and real men know they won’t be able to measure up.

I often suggest that these clients take a break from online dating. Rather, they can put their energy into pursuing activities they love (which have often been taking a back seat to online dating!) and meeting interesting people. Maybe they will meet someone the old-fashioned way, but either way they will be “living” and not “waiting.” Online dating doesn’t guarantee happiness, but following your dreams and being open to meeting interesting people (romantic and non-romantic alike) is a way to build a life you love.

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.