Guest Article

Gender & Pronoun Assumptions and What to Do

Van Ethan Levy, LMFT, LPCC

The way someone shows up in the world is often how people perceive their gender. They look at what we are wearing, the clothing of our material, the colours, our cell phone covers, our water bottle colours, the types of shoes, the colour of our glasses, do we have long hair, short hair, a beard, body hair, how we stand, the way we talk, the jewellery we are wearing if we are wearing make-up and much more. Of course, not everyone wears and/or has access to the above. People are often looking for visual indicators to determine what our gender is so that they begin engaging gendered language.

It is crucial to break the habit of looking at someone and/or their name to determine what pronouns they use and what their identity is. We need to get out of the habit that certain colours, postures, designs, fabrics, jewellery, make-up, and much more are for specific genders and not others. The reason this is important is that it prevents us from causing unintentional harm by misgendering someone.

Misgendering someone means using the wrong pronouns and/or gendered language that does not match the person’s identity. It is important to use the pronouns that the person shares with you are their pronouns. If the person does not share their pronouns and/or you do not know them, then use the person’s name. If you do not know their name and you are trying to refer to them, talk about them and/or engage them to use a descriptor. An example is "the person in the blue shirt", versus "that guy over there".

Quick definitions 

What are 'Societal constructs'? These are ideas that have been created as well as accepted by people in positions of power who dictate what is acceptable and/or appropriate.

What is 'cis' and/or 'cisgender'? This is a term used for when someone’s identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth.

The societal constructs communicate that male pronouns are he/him; female pronouns are she/her and gender-neutral pronouns are they/them and/or other pronouns that people use. However, there is no such thing as male/female/gender-neutral pronouns. Our societal constructs have dictated that he/him are male, she/her are female and they/them are gender-neutral. There are many people whose identity does not fall within the gender spectrum of solely male and/or female and still use she/her and/or he/him pronouns. Just like there are many people who are cisgender and use they/them pronouns.

Remember, just because someone shares their identity, that does not mean that the pronouns you and/or others have assumed to be associated with that identity are going to be the person’s pronouns. An example: if someone shares that they are a trans man, that does not mean that the person’s pronouns are he/him. If someone shares with you that the person is nonbinary, this does not mean the person uses they/them pronouns. The only way to be certain the pronouns someone uses is if they share with you what the person’s pronouns are.

Quick definitions 

What is a macroaggression? This can be verbal and/or nonverbal. It communicates a negative message and/or behaviour that is intentional. An example would be not dating someone because they are trans.

What is a microaggression? This can be verbal and/or nonverbal. It communicates a negative message and often unintentional. An example would be I could not even tell you were trans.

So, why is any of this important:

Knowing that the way that someone expresses themselves to the world does not define their gender/identity and that one’s gender/identity does not define their pronouns is crucial to avoid causing harm engaging in transphobic micro- and/or macroaggressions.

What to do every time you meet someone and not just someone who you think may be trans and/or non-cis 

Introduce yourself with your name and your pronouns. If the person chooses to not share their pronouns, use their name. If someone does not share their pronouns with you, they may not feel safe enough to do so because it has not been safe for them in the past. Please do not push someone to share something they are not ready to. Remember, our society is constantly erasing non-cis people’s identities by not having them included in, but not limited to; forms, census, movies, tv shows, magazines, rental applications, passports, birth certificates, restrooms, and so much more. Please do not add to this trauma and/or harm.

Van Ethan Levy, MA, LMFT, LPCC, (they) (elle), a trans and non binary therapist, is a queer, non binary, trans, socialized as female, nBPOC (not Black Person of Color), who is autistic, and has dynamic disabilities amongst many more historically excluded identities. Van provides consultations and trainings on trans and non binary identities, is the organizer of the 2022 Virtual International Do Something: Identity(ies) Conference, authored the interactive book, Exploring My Identity(ies), and produced the Documentary, Do Something: Trans & Non Binary Identities, Website: VanEthanLevy.com