Member Article

Hiding Money in Divorce: Red Flags and What You Can Do About It

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

When You Start to Suspect Something’s Not Right

You notice the numbers don’t add up. Bank statements stop arriving in the mail. There’s a “new” account you never heard of before. Suddenly, your spouse’s spending habits seem secretive — and your gut tells you something’s off.

Divorce is hard enough on its own. But realizing that your spouse may be hiding money can make you feel betrayed, powerless, and afraid of losing what’s rightfully yours.

The Problem: When Trust Breaks Down Financially

When money goes missing in a marriage headed for divorce, it creates a layered problem that affects every level of your life.

First, there’s the external problem — assets disappearing, financial records changing, and a sudden lack of transparency. You may suspect hidden accounts, underreported income, or valuable items being sold or “gifted” to friends or family. It can feel like a game you never agreed to play.

Next, there’s the internal struggle. You might find yourself questioning your own judgment — wondering if you’re paranoid or overreacting. The anxiety of not knowing what’s true can keep you up at night. Financial insecurity during divorce often triggers deep fears about your future stability and your ability to rebuild.

Finally, there’s the philosophical problem — it’s simply wrong. You worked hard for what you built together. No one should have the power to manipulate or conceal assets to gain an unfair advantage.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way. There is a fair, balanced path to uncover the truth and protect your future.

A Better Way Forward

As a a divorce mediator with more than 30 years of experience, I’ve guided hundreds of clients through complex, emotionally charged separations — including cases where one spouse tried to hide money.

What I’ve learned is that information, structure, and calm communication can make all the difference. Mediation provides a setting where financial honesty isn’t optional — it’s required. And when it’s facilitated by someone experienced in uncovering financial red flags, it becomes a path toward fairness and peace of mind.

Here are a few steps and insights to help you spot potential issues and take action.

1. Know the Red Flags

Hidden money often leaves clues. Watch for:

• Sudden changes in bank accounts or online passwords
• “Business expenses” that don’t make sense
• Unexplained withdrawals or transfers
• Bonuses, stock options, or commissions that “disappear”
• Cash-heavy spending right before or during divorce discussions

If you’re noticing any of these patterns, trust your instincts.

2. Gather and Organize Financial Records

Before making accusations, gather everything you can. Collect tax returns, bank statements, pay stubs, and retirement account summaries from the past few years. Keep copies stored safely outside the home or digitally.

In mediation, these documents become your foundation for open discussion and fair division. Facts replace assumptions, and that helps defuse tension while protecting your interests.

3. Stay Calm and Strategic

Discovering financial dishonesty triggers anger and fear — and understandably so. But reacting emotionally can work against you. Instead, approach this situation with calm, documented evidence and professional support.

In mediation, I help clients communicate these concerns clearly and productively. The goal isn’t revenge — it’s resolution.

4. Use Mediation to Create Transparency

Unlike litigation, which often fuels secrecy and hostility, mediation is built on openness. Both parties are encouraged — and often required — to share complete financial information.

Through guided conversations, we uncover the full picture together. When handled correctly, mediation can reveal hidden money, rebuild trust in the process, and ensure both parties walk away with clarity and fairness.

5. Protect Your Financial Future

Once you have the facts, we can focus on building a plan for your financial stability. This includes:

• Setting up independent accounts
• Creating a fair division of assets
• Establishing realistic support or custody arrangements
• Building a roadmap for financial recovery after divorce

By facing the truth and using a structured process, you protect not only your finances but also your peace of mind.

Common Concern: “What If My Spouse Refuses to Be Honest?”

This is one of the most common fears I hear — and it’s valid. But even when one party resists, mediation can still help. Skilled mediators use specific tools and questions to bring hidden information to light. And if a spouse refuses to cooperate entirely, the documentation you’ve gathered and the record of your efforts to mediate can be powerful in court later.

You’re not powerless. You have options — and support.

Take the First Step Toward Fairness

If you suspect your spouse is hiding money, don’t let fear or confusion control the process. You deserve honesty, clarity, and a fair outcome.

Mediation can help you uncover the truth while keeping control of your time, money, and emotional well-being. You don’t have to fight through chaos or court battles to protect what’s yours.Start by having a conversation with someone, a professional, who understands both the financial and emotional sides of divorce. 

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com