Guest Article

The Power of Companionship: Finding Connection in Unexpected Places

Kim Scott, LMFT

This summer, I had the chance to reconnect with a distant cousin who retired to Palm Springs years ago. As we caught up, she shared an intriguing arrangement: she bought a home with a close friend, another woman in her 70s. Not a romantic partnership, but a friendship built on practicality and companionship. They think of themselves as “Boomer Mates,” a concept that is rapidly growing in popularity. I hadn’t heard of it before but it immediately struck me as brilliant.

My cousin’s story is just one example of a broader trend. The idea of living with a friend isn’t new, but it's gaining traction—especially among people in their 70s. Intergenerational living, which was once common in America, is also seeing a resurgence. The 2022 US Census revealed that approximately 947,000 seniors now live with unrelated roommates, with about 50 percent sharing homes with younger adults.

This arrangement offers a creative way to combat the loneliness that can accompany retirement, while easing financial pressures. Some of the other benefits of having a roommate as an older adult include enhanced safety—especially during falls and medical emergencies—prolonged independence, and a shared journey through the later stages of life. But perhaps the greatest gift is companionship.  

At the heart of these living arrangements is the desire for connection, something that becomes even more essential as we age. Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General, has spoken powerfully about this in his May 2023 advisory, where he labeled loneliness and social isolation as a public health crisis. He highlighted the profound health risks of chronic loneliness, likening it to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. His insights shine a light on the deep emotional pain that comes from feeling disconnected. The Surgeon General also makes an important distinction between isolation and loneliness.

Isolation is simply being alone; it can be neutral or even beneficial. Loneliness, however, is the emotional distress that arises when we feel separated from others. It’s a feeling many clients struggle with in therapy, particularly as they age. But recognizing that loneliness is not a personal failing can help take away the shame many people feel. It is, in fact, a shared human experience.

In his book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, Dr. Murthy outlines three levels of relationships that shape our well-being. The most intimate circle includes our closest connections—family and confidantes who are there in times of crisis. The second circle consists of companions we see occasionally, like friends from work or places of worship, who enrich our lives in important but less intimate ways. The outermost layer is made up of more casual acquaintances—colleagues, baristas, or fellow gym-goers. Though these relationships may seem insignificant, they still contribute to a sense of belonging.

When any of these connections weaken, loneliness can take root. For seniors, this is especially common, though it is not necessarily linked to mental health disorders. Normalizing the conversation around loneliness in therapy can lift some of the shame clients may feel.

So how can we support clients who are experiencing loneliness? Here are a few ways to help:

• Create a safe space for open conversations: Loneliness is often seen as something shameful, especially for men. Offering clients a space to express these feelings without judgment is vital. Studies, such as one by the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, show that 22% of adults report feeling lonely or isolated. Normalizing these feelings can help them feel less alone and less ashamed.
• Build a therapeutic relationship: For many clients, sharing their inner world with a therapist might be the first time they’ve opened up to anyone. This connection can be a starting point for learning how to build relationships outside of therapy.
• Encourage comfort with solitude: Dr. Murthy reminds us that developing comfort with solitude is key to fostering connection with others. By helping clients embrace mindfulness, reflection, gratitude, and creativity, we can guide them toward a greater sense of ease with being alone, which in turn strengthens their capacity for connection.
• Introduce new possibilities: Encouraging clients to explore new living arrangements, like my cousin’s "Boomer Mates," can help them find practical ways to foster connection. Resources such as the National Shared Housing Resource Center offer tools to help seniors find housemates.
• Foster social engagement: Teaching clients how to engage socially is critical, particularly for those who struggle with social anxiety. Building this skill can be a pathway to healthy, meaningful relationships.
• Prescribe pro-social activities: Simple activities like visiting a senior center, joining a class, or volunteering can help clients build social connections. For example, OneGeneration.Org, a Senior Enrichment Center in Los Angeles County, offers meals, classes, and volunteer opportunities, giving seniors a chance to engage with others. Similarly, the City of Los Angeles Department of Recreation and Parks hosts activities ranging from knitting to creative writing, providing various ways to build community.

With over 55 million people in the U.S. feeling lonely or isolated at any given time, addressing this issue in therapy is crucial. Supporting our clients often requires more than just therapeutic tools; it calls for us to be knowledgeable about community resources that meet both their emotional and practical needs.

Kim Scott, LMFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth. Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit her website: www.kimscottmft.com