The Necessity of Pleasure

Face it. It’s been a few hundred years since Puritanical beliefs thrived in early America when sex for pleasure was seen as morally wrong. Yet, religious dogma continues to exist in our society today, and some faith communities still contribute to confusion and shame based on rigid, outdated rules such as prohibition of same-sex practices as well as sex before marriage.

Fortunately, religious rigidity is not as pervasive today, but for many, our sexual attitudes and behaviors remain constricted. As part of the World Health Organization (WHO), medical leaders have studied and defined Sexual Health as follows:

“a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)

With an emphasis on “positive and respectful” as well as “pleasurable and safe sexual experiences,” this thoughtful definition demonstrates how far we have come on an international level, but we still have a long way to go. Here is the story of Jack, which illustrates a common way teenagers often stumble into their sexual awakening:

By the time Jack arrived in my therapy office in his early 20s, he knew he wanted real-life intimacy. He expressed his desire to date and explore sex with someone other than images on the screen. Jack’s teenage porn use was a common story and often becomes an introduction to sex and sexual turn-ons.

Raised in a liberal Methodist home, Jack was twelve-years-old when he stumbled upon his father’s porn stash. Immediately, Jack was hooked, and his young brain started to crave more elaborate forms of porn which interfered with his interest in dating. “Internet porn seemed so much easier than meeting a girl,” he confided early in his therapy. In addition to porn, he used edibles to enhance his sexual experiences and this “pot and porn” ritual became a daily habit. Although sexual pleasure was gratifying at times, he felt increasingly lonely and empty.

In the early 20th century Carl Jung described the necessity to embrace the shadow within ourselves in order to fully experience our lighter parts. With regard to sex, shame or censorship of one’s sexual self creates a barrier to pleasure, and there is already more than enough sexual shame in most of us. Instead, how can Jack learn about his sexual identity and choices based on pleasurable, respectful, and safe sexual experiences? Although compulsive porn use was not a sustainable activity for him, it was the catalyst for Jack to learn about his body, his sexual turn-ons as well as his sense of pleasure. Jung might call Jack’s behavior part of his shadow self because it’s secretive, but it also opens the door to lighter aspects of sex—fun, play and freedom.

Merriam Webster defines pleasure as “a state of gratification; a source of delight or joy.” As a sexual being, pleasurable sex is your birthright, yet Self-Pleasure is rarely discussed. Once again, the echoes of the Puritans may get in the way of this human desire, which I define as follows: any experience that brings you closer to contentment, relaxation, or serenity. Examples of self-pleasure—sexual or sensual—include masturbation, a hot bath, massage, facial, or petting your dog (or cat).

Pleasure is not only a concept—it’s an action. Here we will look at specific ways to safely explore pleasure as a strategy for long-term freedom and sexual satisfaction.

1. When you think about the word pleasure, what are your immediate associations that go along with it? Write down all thoughts, feelings, images, and memories, and be sure to remain curious and non-judgmental.
2. Define the word pleasure for yourself. Your private ideas and beliefs about pleasure will help you develop a sexual vision.
3. What are the messages from childhood that get in the way of your freedom and enjoyment of pleasure? These messages may come from family, friends, school, community, and religious organizations. List as many of these messages that may have become stubborn barriers to pleasure.
4. What are the messages from childhood that encouraged pleasure? List as many of these messages that were “pleasure-positive.”
5. What gives you pleasure? Without overthinking it, brainstorm and make a list of pleasurable experiences you already enjoy—both sexual and non-sexual.
6. In our society, self-pleasure is often a taboo subject. As discussed in Part One of this article, you can expand self-pleasure to mean anything that brings you contentment, relaxation, or serenity. What are the ways that you self-soothe? Do you enjoy a hot bath? Do you have a favorite type of music you listen to? Take your time to list those items that you already do and the items you would like to introduce into your toolbox of self-pleasure activities.
7. Sexual health includes safe, positive, respectful, and pleasurable experiences. What sexual experiences are safe, respectful, and pleasurable whether it be with another person or by yourself? Once you consider sexual activities that are fun, playful, and liberating, share this list with a confidant or trusted professional.
8. Is there residual shame connected to your sexual expression? Sexual shame gets in the way of being in the moment and feeling sexual freedom. Consider individual, group therapy or 12-step meetings to build shame resiliency. Brene Brown believes that “shame is given to us by others, and shame is healed through others.” Find a confidant or a group to share these parts of you that create this unnecessary burden. Find the courage to break out of the secrecy and expand your sexual voice.

Because sexual hang-ups and barriers are so prevalent, it takes courage to investigate your sexual health and freely explore what’s pleasurable. Unlike the Puritans, sexual liberation is yours to discover. 

Take your time with these suggested action steps because it takes a while to un-do a lifetime of unhelpful messages and sexual barriers. It often takes a team of open-hearted, unconditional therapists, coaches, sponsors, and confidants to mend the brokenheartedness that goes along with sexual wounds, and it often requires the right healers to help you thrive as a sexual being. Remember, the more you explore the shadow, the more the light will shine bright. 

Reprint January 11, 2021, Westside Post.

Andrew Susskind, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist, based in West Los Angeles since 1992, specializing in trauma and addictions. His recent book, It’s Not About the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction joins his workbook, From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery. For more information visit his websites westsidetherapist.com and brainspottinglosangeles.org.