The Case for Pre-Engagement Counseling 

Pre-marital counseling is now a thing. Couples call me requesting some counseling to “learn to communicate better” before their upcoming nuptials. Hmm.

The period before the wedding is full of metaphorical land mines. Anxiety is high and tempers are quick. Family is horning in on the wedding planning, and that’s a “whole ‘nother Oprah.” It’s certainly not the best time to learn emotional regulation and partnership skills.

How can we, as therapists, help change this situation for the better?

One important way is to strive to address your clients’ relationship issues in addition to whatever their presenting problem is. Otherwise, your clients may not address their relationship issues until they become completely unmanageable and the timing is far less opportune—when they are already engaged, or married, or are fighting about the kids.

For example, when I have clients who come to me for anxiety (and they all come to me for anxiety, one way or another!) I always ask them about their intimate relationship, because anxiety always affects our intimate relationships.

It’s a “chicken or the egg” sort of thing. Does the relationship dynamic give them anxiety that plays out in other ways, or does the anxiety that comes from stress at work, health issues, or dysfunctional FOO dynamic, and play out in the relationship?

In the end, it doesn’t matter. Intimate relationships create a perfect environment to learn the skills that lead to personal growth: emotional regulation, the ability to be vulnerable, and the ability to listen and seek to understand another even when you disagree or are feeling attacked.

When I explain this to my clients, they are always happy to learn that making their relationship better will be an integral part of their own personal growth. It will help them calm their anxiety, upscale their mood, feel more connected, and increase their self-esteem. There is nothing more self-affirming than connecting with another person on a deeply soulful level—whether the relationship is intimate or not.

I work to enable my clients to discuss sensitive topics with their partners in a way that means each of them will feel seen and heard, even when they strongly disagree. Learning to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is not blaming is almost as tough as learning to listen without being defensive. Once they have begun to practice these skills, they see how rapidly it changes their relationship, and they want to practice it more.

When they are able to discuss difficult topics with their partners in a non-confrontational way, I strongly suggest that they broach the following subjects, especially if they are considering getting engaged or making some other type of long-term commitment.

1. Money.
How to spend it, how much to save, what savings are meant to be used for, how to determine which things are worth spending money on in the first place. What is the discretionary amount; namely, the amount each of you can spend on things of which the other might not approve.

2. Kids. 
Whether you want them at all, how many, and when. How to raise them—boundaries, discipline, education, what is the children’s role in the family. 

3. Biorhythms.
This is the kind of thing your clients might not notice that much when they are dating. The early birds tend to stay out later when they are in the flush of new romance, and the night owls might get themselves up much earlier to meet their new crush for brunch or spinning class.

It’s only later, when the “honeymoon phase” is over and each partner reverts to type, that this becomes a problem, and many couples are surprised to realize how much they resent the other’s different biorhythms. 

4. Work schedules.
This is something that I am increasingly seeing in couple therapy. Because remote work is so popular, many people spend all day working alone at home. If their partner comes home exhausted from a long day at the office, they have the makings of a big problem.

The at-home partner is craving connection and companionship, and the away-at-work partner wants some peace and quiet, and time to recharge. The best solution is to address this early on, before they all-too-quickly become resentful of each other.

In Los Angeles, we have an additional problem. There are many people in the film industry who work an all-on or all-off schedule that can easily disrupt their life as a couple. Partners who are not also in the film industry can find it very challenging to build a life around this schedule. In addition, there are the emotional challenges of not always knowing when the next gig is coming along. A partner who is more steadily employed can easily become resentful and unable to be emotionally supportive to the other.

What if They Are Happy in Their Relationship—Should They Still Talk About These Things?

Absolutely. These are issues that will inevitably come up at some point. It’s so much better to make sure you are on the same page, or at least understand where each of you stands on these topics—before you are in the heat of the moment and are trying to navigate these areas when emotions are high.

Also, unsurprisingly, many people who claim they are completely certain that their partner shares their position on these topics, are simply wrong.

Learning how to build healthy relationships should be something we learn early on; healthy relationships are modeled in our homes growing up, and we are taught relationship skills throughout our childhood and adolescence. If only.
The truth is that very few people have this experience growing up, and we, as therapists, have a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in how our clients create relationships. Let’s make sure we help them learn these skills whenever we have the chance!

I often suggest that these clients take a break from online dating. Rather, they can put their energy into pursuing activities they love (which have often been taking a back seat to online dating!) and meeting interesting people. Maybe they will meet someone the old-fashioned way, but either way they will be “living” and not “waiting.” Online dating doesn’t guarantee happiness, but following your dreams and being open to meeting interesting people (romantic and non-romantic alike) is a way to build a life you love.

This article was previously published in Voices, October 2019.

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.