White Privilege, White Guilt, and Mental Health

You can’t be a privileged white person* and not screw up. You can’t. You were raised in a culture where racism is so pervasive that no matter how hard you try, you will undoubtedly say something that comes across as thoughtless or even cruel. I’m sure you will read at least one such offensive statement before this article is finished, because I, too, am unaware of the right way to say so many things. This is entirely my own fault.

*NOTE: It was pointed out to me on social media that “privileged white person” is redundant and insulting in that it assumes that you could be white and be anything other than privileged. I decided to leave this expression in this article, and write a note here, so that other white people like myself can see how this expression is offensive.

After decades and decades of adulthood on this planet, while enjoying all the benefits of being a privileged white woman, and only randomly having deep discussions about racism, oppression, prejudice and microaggressions, I am only now embarking on a systematic plan of becoming an anti-racist ally. It’s embarrassing.

One thing I’ve learned recently is that over-apologizing can easily make the story about me.

My goal is not for you to know that I am well-intentioned so that I can feel good about myself. When it comes to this subject, I don’t feel good about myself, and only I can change that. I’m working on it.

You, too, may have recently heard stories in your therapy practice and your life that are similar to mine. I have heard many young people of privilege agonizing over how to best be an ally, and then feeling guilty even for their own anguish on this subject. They well understand that today’s anguish belongs to someone else.

I am writing this article because I have had this discussion over and over, sent out and received lists of resources over and over, and again and again explored the question:

“What Should I Do Right Now to Best Show My Support?”

Here Is a Template for 3 Ways to Be an Anti-Racist Ally

Again, my unconscious errors have been pointed out to me on social media. “Three ways to be an anti-racist” is reductive and can be seen to minimize the issue. My intent is rather to organize some of the information out there in a way that is less overwhelming and more accessible.

Below are the themes and ideas that have come up over and over in my research for the best ways to be an Anti-Racist Ally.

1. Educate yourself

Research, ask questions, study history, listen to the people around you.

Here is a great list of Anti-Racism Resources to read, watch, and listen to.

Read How to be an Anti-Racist, by Ibram X. Kendi.

Watch Emmanuel Acho’s video series Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Man.

Watch CBS interview Ibram X. Kendi and Robin DiAngelo about White Privilege and Racism.

2. Be Aware

Look for prejudice, racism, injustice and oppression, and notice the ways they are being denied, minimized, or justified. Learn how to talk to people about what you see.

Learn about Micro-aggressions

You probably don’t need to be told about many of the thoughtless things some people say but what about these more subtle actions:

1. Don’t apologize in order to make sure someone who is discriminated against knows you are not a bad person. Apologize quickly for the hurt you caused and focus on seeking to understand.

2. Don’t ask your BIPOC friend to tell you what you need to do—own the responsibility of finding the correct behavior yourself.

3. Don’t say you are not racist, when what you mean is that you are not prejudiced.

Prejudice is an attitude based on stereotypes. Racism involves the policies and practices that perpetrate notions of white superiority and inferiority of people of color. Over and over, BIPOC are telling us that if we are not actively anti-racist, we are racist. As privileged people, we have been the benefactors of an unjust society for our entire lives.

4. Don’t be enraged about destruction of property when you are not enraged about police murder of BIPOC.

Here is a great article about how to respond to microaggressions when you see other people perpetrating them:

3. Stand Up

Build networks, protest, donate, vote.

Donate:

As a therapist, I love this organization, The Love Land Foundation which helps black women receive counseling from licensed therapists.

Vote:

Make sure you are registered to vote!

Know who your representatives are. In Los Angeles, you can search here. Know how to get their attention- email your representative or call the office; don’t waste time commenting on social media.

Sign the petition to make it possible for everyone to vote by mail

Kristin Rogers tells us on CNN:

“Donating to activist organizations and protesting injustices are definitely good starts to becoming an ally. But that's not enough. Actively rebutting prejudices in your own circles is key to lasting change, as those ideas and beliefs — unless challenged — are what our children absorb and are woven into the fabric of our culture.”

For more info on how you can stand up as an ally, read this thoughtful article.

WHAT YOU SOMETIMES CAN’T DO

There will be people you can’t convince. One of them may be your mother.

This is a story I’ve heard over and over, and many well-meaning privileged people are brokenhearted when they are unable to change the racist beliefs and behaviors of those who are among the people they care most about.

It is entirely possible that you will not be able to change the ways of some people in your family. Maybe the best thing you can do in this instance is speak your truth and then set an example that one can openly disagree with someone and still love them. Tell them your response to their beliefs, and provide them with resources if they want to learn more later.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Changing systemic racism is going to take time. You are already part of only a bare majority of people who understand that racism even exists. Unfortunately, A new CBS News poll shows that 52% of respondents say they believe that white people have a better chance of getting ahead in today's society compared to black people, and that’s up from only 39% in 2015. We have a long way to go. We need your energy, enthusiasm and commitment to last for the long haul.

If you can teach your clients to have some self-acceptance in this crazy upside-down world, then you are absolutely rockin’ it. Take a bow.

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.