Busy Is the New Black
How We’ve Lost Our Balance
and Gotten Addicted to Busy-ness

Imagine this scenario: You’ve just gotten back to work after the Fourth of July holiday, and your colleague asks you, “How was your weekend?” You respond, “Oh, man, I was so busy! I finished that proposal for work, had a barbecue for 20 people, and cleaned my garage. I’m exhausted!”

What if you responded instead, “Oh, man, it was great! I did absolutely nothing. Never even left the house. The weather was nice so I just decided to sit outside most of the weekend and read a book I’ve been wanting to read.”

Which scenario do you feel more comfortable sharing with your colleagues? Which scenario makes you feel powerful, and which makes you feel weak?

If you’re like many of us you feel a bit proud of being so busy. Being busy makes us feel powerful. I’m in high demand! I’m the one who gets stuff done! I always have something to do! I’m tired, because I’m so productive.

Take Time for Self-Care

I love the phrase, “self-care” (insert ironic smile). Since when did we stop saying “having fun,” or “being healthy,” or even, “getting enough sleep.” Instead of saying, “I’m going to just hang out and do nothing all weekend” we say, “I need to take time for some self-care.”

“Self-care” sounds like something we do only because we should do it. I’m not actually thinking about myself; I just need to be stopped from spending all my time on productive and altruistic endeavors. Why is “self-care” a thing? And what does that say about the values promoted in our society?

I’m as guilty as anyone else in this arena. For years I had a hard time taking a break. Time for myself could only occur when no one else needed me, and only at the expense of sleep. I would run on the treadmill at 5:00 am before the kids woke up, or listen to books-on-tape (remember those?) while cleaning up the house after the kids were in bed. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much.

Being busy at least feels important.

In a time when many people struggle to find meaning in their lives, and many people feel powerless over so much, being busy is easily seen as a panacea.

We Have Become Addicted to Our Busy-ness

My clients know that one of my favorite sayings is paraphrased from Dr. Vincent Felitti, one of the co-authors of the massive Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE): “It’s hard to get enough of something that almost works.”

Think about that for a minute. We keep busy in search of a feeling of usefulness, or meaning. But it doesn’t quite work, so we try harder, get busier. That still doesn’t work, so we try even harder. It’s no coincidence that this quote is from a study of addiction behavior. We get addicted to our busy-ness.

Being busy in order to feel more power over our lives actually has the opposite effect, because it distracts us from clarifying what truly does have meaning in our lives. Keeping busy in order to feel important and happy keeps us from figuring out what will actually make us feel important and happy.

But it gets much worse than that.

Our societal mandate to keep busy is one of the factors leading to skyrocketing rates of anxiety in our country today. More than 75% of adults are more anxious this year than they were last year, and 40 million adults (18.1% of the population) suffer from enough anxiety that it qualifies as an anxiety disorder.

Our addiction to busy-ness has lead us to unprecedented levels of anxiety.

As therapists, we have an opportunity to change this attitude. “Self-care” is a common recommendation to our clients, but we need to be mindful of the subtle connotation of this phrase. Perhaps exploring the implications of the language around enjoying and taking care of oneself could be a useful exercise for your clients. It might help them see the idea of balancing various areas of their lives in a more integrated way.

I know that when I have explored this idea with my own clients they have been surprised to realize that they often feel they must justify making enough time even to sleep. Showing up at work with dark circles under your eyes isn’t optimal, but at least it’s evidence of how hard you are working—that’s a good thing, right? After all, how many people have a boss who tells them to be sure to leave work at the office, and enjoy their friends and family when they are at home? That’s practically un-American. On the contrary, my clients request later and later time-slots because they want to be able to stay at work until 7 or 8pm.

Finally, we should ask ourselves what kind of role model we are for our clients. Do we come to work exhausted with stories of how busy we are all the time? Do we agree to have sessions whenever clients want them, or do we have clear boundaries between our work and home life?

When I have a particularly busy schedule, and I am noticeably tired at work, I use this occasion to discuss how unbalanced life can get, and how it can be easy to be sucked into the cultural vortex of busy-ness. My clients appreciate that I struggle with the same issue as well. It’s tough to resist the cultural imperative, and we can explore and struggle together.

We don’t need self-care so much as we need balance. Personal life, work life, family life, spiritual life, social life. Our lives need to reflect the values we have in order for us to feel healthy and fulfilled. It’s not about being busy, it’s about spending time in activities that have meaning for you—and hopefully one of those activities is rest and relaxation!

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.