How Parenting Plans Protect Children
from Trauma During Divorce

When working with divorcing clients who have children, as a divorce mediator I have one overarching goal—keep the children out of the middle and minimize the overall impact of divorce on their lives! By focusing on the children and what’s best for them, divorce mediation can help clients create an environment where divorce becomes a transition, rather than a trauma, for their children. Serendipitously a focus on meeting the children’s needs often helps divorce mediation clients who are parents work through other divisive issues simply because they’re focused on their children’s best interests rather than on their conflicts and feelings about their soon to be ex.

In divorce mediation, building a comprehensive, proactive parenting plan does take some time, but it’s a sound investment in reduced conflict for the remainder of the co-parenting experience which can last 10–15 years with younger children. It also allows parents to provide structure and support for their children during and after the divorce process and minimize the negative impact.

Working with divorcing clients to create a customized parenting plan that is specific to their children’s needs—and provides the sense of order and consistency that children crave—is very rewarding. By providing these adult divorce mediation clients with a safe, constructive space to address their parenting issues, this type of mediation work achieves two goals:

1. It provides clarity regarding how the parents will handle typical parenting issues post-divorce.
2. It significantly reduces the ongoing friction that can undermine positive co-parenting.

In a good parenting plan, it’s important to balance structure with flexibility. So, we make sure we include enough detail so that both parents and children know what to expect on a consistent basis—so the parents aren’t constantly having to negotiate with each other—while also allowing for real-world flexibility with changes that arise. To accomplish this, my clients often utilize a Flexibility Clause in their parenting plan— “Any aspect of the parenting plan can be changed as long as both parents agree in advance.”—so that they can make necessary changes as needed as long as they both agree ahead of time.

Some of the aspects of a Comprehensive Parenting Plan* that I use with my divorce mediation clients include:

1. Weekly Schedule. It is usually preferable to have a consistent schedule so that the children can get used to being with each parent on specific nights (especially weeknights).
2. Custody Terms. It’s important that the parenting plan covers both Physical Custody (supervision of the children) and Legal Custody (decision-making for educational, medical, and religious issues).
3. Holidays and Vacations.Especially the big ones such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc., as well as spring and summer breaks.
4. Activities. It’s important that both parents support all the activities that the children are involved in. The best way to do this is for the parents to agree on this in advance—and to include it in the parenting plan.
5. Consistency between the households. Children crave consistency and while the households may be different, it’s helpful when homework routines, bedtimes, etc. are consistent.
6. Interaction with romantic interests. I find it’s important to help clients set up a process for deciding when they will introduce their romantic interests to their children.

While there are many additional aspects* that can be included, a good parenting plan keeps the children out of the middle and helps parents provide structure and support for their children during and after the divorce process by creating an environment that minimizes the impact of divorce on their children.

*More aspects of comprehensive parenting plans are covered in this three-part Davis Mediation “Fundamental Elements of a Good Parenting Plan” YouTube Video Series.

Barry Davis, Divorce Mediator, Founder of Davis Mediation, has been helping clients get through the divorce process in the most amicable, affordable manner possible for 16 years. His passion is keeping children out of the middle of divorce so they can grow up healthy. As a divorce mediator, Barry holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology and Conflict Management and has served on the Torrance Family Court and Second Appellate District mediation panels. For more information, visit www.DavisMediation.com or Davis Divorce Mediation’s YouTube Channel.