Guest Article

Helping Our Older Clients Navigate Their Changing Holiday Landscape

Kim Scott, LMFT

“Merry Christmas!” “Happy Hanukkah”  “What are you doing for the holidays?”

These seemingly innocuous comments and ultra perky merriment can stir up a lot of pain for our older clients. The extra holiday cheer surrounding our clients can make them feel out-of-step with their community. This can intensify their pain and add to their feelings of isolation and shame. To help our older clients navigate the holiday season it is essential that we understand some of the common themes and struggles so that we can support and validate their experiences.

Some of these common themes include:

• Loss. Loved ones may have died or moved away. They may be merging or sharing holidays with in-laws, or our family ties may have weakened. They may have lost beloved pets. Or may be grieving the loss of their youth, health or past holiday traditions. The loss does not need to be recent to hurt. One of my clients who lost her husband a decade ago, is still sad and nostalgic when holidays and other big events come up. We as therapists can normalize this for our clients because often friends and family expect them to be “over it.” It’s okay and healthy for us to check in with our clients about any losses that might be coming up during this season. With all of the “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Hanukkah” verbiage it is important that we let our clients know that the therapy room is a place where they can be holiday-cheer-free without judgment. We can also help our clients’ create and incorporate traditions into their holidays to honor lost loved ones.

• Loneliness. Does your client have someone to spend time with over the holidays? Isolation can be particularly painful at this time of year. Part of the pain comes from the assumption that everyone else has family and friends to celebrate with. We can normalize this for our clients and help them make plans for the holidays that will be meaningful and enjoyable to them. These plans do not need to include friends or family. Plans can range from volunteering to feed the hungry, to celebrating at a senior center, to going on a vacation. Planning in advance can make a potentially lonely time less dreary and can help bring expectations in line with realty. We tend to be much more depressed and stressed when our reality is dramatically out of sync with our expectations.

• Change. Change can be stressful even when the change is good, like when members are added to our family through marriage or births. These are wonderful, joyous events but our traditions and routines may need to change to accommodate them and CHANGE CAN BE HARD! One common change that our older clients may face is when their adult children begin their own families. This will most likely change our clients’ role in the holiday celebrations. Their role may be smaller and more on the side-line. Their adult child may want to celebrate parts of the holiday with just their nuclear family.  As therapists, we can help our clients identify and put words to their feelings. We can help our clients express any sadness, fears about becoming irrelevant, anger for being left out, and embarrassment for even having these feelings. We can also help our clients decide if or when they want to communicate their feelings and thoughts with their adult children. Either can be healthy and productive options and we can help our clients determine the right answer for them and their family.

• Stress. Holiday stress can come from change, strained relationships, extra financial pressures and/or decreased physical stamina. Our clients may have a difficult time setting boundaries with family and friends based on their current situation. For instance, a mom who traditionally hosts Hanukkah dinner for the entire family of 20 may no longer have the physical energy to do this. Or may not have the financial resources to host as she once did.  We can help our clients’ talk about their truths so that they can begin to create new holiday traditions that truly fit their abilities and desires. We can help our clients make a plan for the holidays that includes self-care on all levels.

• Meaning and Purpose. So often the holidays are reduced to ‘Hallmark’ events…big, expensive, overwhelmingly busy and impersonal. This can leave our older clients feeling empty. We can help our clients retrieve or find a new meaning or purpose for their holidays. To begin this process we might ask our clients to share some of their most dear or cherished holiday memories. And, from these memories we can help our clients identify what made these memories special. What core values did these special holidays embrace? Was it time with loved ones? Or the religious significance? Or carrying on traditions? Or giving? Then we can help our clients explore new ways they can bring this meaning or purpose into their holidays.

In my practice I have seen many of my 50+ clients grapple with these issues. And, the most important thing we can offer as therapists is a safe place for our clients to honestly share their thoughts and feelings connected to how the holidays change as they age. We can normalize these changes and their feelings, and we can help them explore how to create new holiday traditions that give them peace or joy.

I’ll never forget a 70 year old male client who came into my office after the holidays. As he sat down, I asked him how his holidays were. He said, with great humor and a booming voice, that they were “Horrible!” He laughed. I laughed and he spent his session sharing each of the excruciating details. His load felt lighter having someone he could honestly share his feelings with, without shame.

Kim Scott, LMFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth. Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit her website: www.kimscottmft.com