If You Build It, They Will Come:
The Transformational Space of Men’s Groups

Men’s therapy groups provide an exceptional opportunity for men to be fully themselves with one another. In addition to traditional roles men often play, they also have deeper longings for more meaningful, authentic contact in their lives, and group therapy is one venue where they get to practice the here-and-now experience of greater connection and vulnerability. In his 1988 book Bradshaw: On The Family (which was later expanded into a PBS series), John Bradshaw made the distinction between human doings and human beings, and men’s groups offer a space for men to experience themselves more dimensionally and less imprisoned in the doing role.

My first exposure to men’s groups was in the early ‘80s when my dad attended his weekly group in Center City Philadelphia. I was in high school at the time and didn’t have much exposure to therapy yet. Because we lived in the suburban bubble of South Jersey, it seemed quite revolutionary and mysterious that he would travel into our urban center every Tuesday night to meet with a diverse group of men. All I knew is that he was devoted to his weekly ritual, and he seemed to return home with a more optimistic and refreshed outlook. After five years of attending his men’s group, my father built up the courage to separate from my mother and start a new chapter for himself. Discovering his true voice through the group experience allowed him to make a bold decision after thirty years of marriage and was a formative event in my family history.

In the late ‘80s I enrolled in the MSW program at UCLA, and in 1992 I became an associate in a busy private practice in West L.A. where I was asked to lead a men’s psychotherapy group which felt to me like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Although I felt as if I was treading water at times, I slowly built-up clinical muscle and returned every Wednesday night for eight more years thanks to the superb supervision I received.

Through the course of my career, I’ve led many men’s groups, and this article is intended to simply share one clinical perspective. It may be relevant to mention that my current group therapy lens is based on the interpersonal, here-and-now, process groups existing in my practice today.

Men’s Groups vs. Mixed Gender Groups

Why would a client choose a men’s group over a mixed gender group? This is always a complex question that is not simple to address. After brainstorming some of the primary clinical themes, I realized that it’s not necessarily the specific content, but more importantly, the honest conversations that are forged between and among males.  For example, in a recent group session there were two men who chose to reveal their sexual abuse history.  It’s possible that this issue can be discussed in a mixed gender group, but the willingness to share a highly vulnerable issue among other men signified a deep trust and safety which in turn promoted deeper contact and intimacy among group members. Because men are generally socialized not to be vulnerable, men’s groups turn this paradigm upside down, not only encouraging vulnerability but typically establishing emotional risk-taking as a group norm.

Another ongoing theme in my men’s groups relates to father hunger.  Because most men in my groups were born between 1965 and 1995, their fathers grew up in a generation where a feelings language was virtually non-existent.  Because this theme surfaces time and time again, it reveals the emotional distance many of my clients experienced and sometimes continue to experience with their fathers. This may be part and parcel of the subgroup of men who seek therapy, but regardless of the reason, these men are hungry for emotionally reliable men as well as mentors.  As men grow to be more transparent with one another, male bonding becomes easier and more cohesive. Not only is this form of bonding a healing element for men, but they often feel parented by one another through deeply honest conversations infused with respect and trust.

These are some of the primary clinical themes often explored in a men’s therapy group that provide a highly unusual growth opportunity in the presence of other men:

• Competition and control
• Addictions and trauma
• Career and money
• Father hunger and male bonding
• Shame and isolation
• Sex and sexuality

When I meet a male-identified client for the first time, I’m already considering his eventual appropriateness for group. Once a client has fully identified and explored his therapeutic issues in individual therapy, it may be time to consider transitioning into a group process. There is no cookie-cutter approach to the timing of a client considering or joining a group, but I always hold this possibility if my clinical instinct tells me that they would be a strong candidate. Because most of my individual clients generally know that I lead groups in my practice, they may express interest, or I may plant a seed in that direction typically within the first year of individual therapy. Although I may be eager to transition a client into my group, I always need to check in with myself to make sure that the client wants group more than I want it for him.

There are also several questions that may reveal whether a client is ready to participate effectively in a men’s group:

• Is the client able to offer empathy and attunement?
• Is the client able to receive empathy and attunement?
• Does the client appear enthusiastic about a men’s group experience?
• Is the client interested in developing more honest, satisfying relationships with other men?
• Does the client have a foundation of individual therapy?
• Does the client have past experiences with 12-step groups, self-help groups or support groups?
• Is the client willing to comply with group guidelines?

To develop longer-term cohesion in men’s psychotherapy groups, the following themes promote greater trust and safety:

• Cultivating honest, satisfying relationships with the members of the group and the group therapist
• Developing deeper, meaningful contact rather than simply getting along with others
• Expanding one’s capacity for giving and receiving clear and honest feedback
• Understanding one’s impact on others
• Accessing and articulating one’s internal world
• Exploring deeper longings (e.g., father hunger)
• Assessing one’s fulfillment with sex and sexuality
• Expressing anger safely and productively
• Acknowledging and processing shame
• Examining loneliness and longings for connection

Bringing together a sustainable men’s psychotherapy group often requires a tremendous commitment from the group therapist, but it can also be one of the most fulfilling and sacred experiences available to a clinician. As a witness to men learning how to be fully themselves with one another, it’s an extraordinary unfolding that far transcends the challenges group formation requires. Having led men’s groups since 1992, I’ve felt and continue to feel the utmost gratitude and respect for my groups as I continue to learn and grow beside my clients.  As my dad shared so poignantly many years ago, “my men’s group helped me reclaim my voice and my life.”

Andrew Susskind is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Brainspotting and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Certified Group Psychotherapist and author based on the Westside of Los Angeles since 1992 specializing in trauma and addictive, compulsive behaviors. His book, It’s Not About the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction (Central Recovery Press, June 2019) joins his workbook, From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery which was released in 2014.