5 Ways We Can Help Our Clients Combat the Loneliness Epidemic

I’m from the Midwest, and back home people have distinct impressions of Los Angeles, many of which are connected to popular myths about the movie stars on every corner. But no matter where you are from, Los Angeles seems like a place where everyone is hanging out together on the beach, or together at clubs in Hollywood, or together at Pilates or yoga or Equinox. People are tanned and in groups—this is the myth.

What is the reality? Well, I don’t know about other big cities, but I suspect that it is probably the same whether you are in Los Angeles, or Chicago, or Miami. Big cities are hard places to make friends. There’s a lot going on, but people are much more isolated than it appears.

And, as a direct result of the importance of social media, people who are isolated think that they are the only ones; everyone else is out there having a great time with hundreds of close friends. The fallacy in this argument seems obvious, but so many of my clients feel isolated and alone while right in the middle of literally millions of other people.

But it wasn’t always this way.

It used to be that people took time away from work, time to relax, even time alone to do nothing. Socializing was much less structured, and people would just hang out on their front porch and talk to whomever wandered by. In fact, in the 1950’s, back yards were meant for hanging out your laundry and burning your trash, and front yards and porches were where people gathered to relax and socialize.

Things have changed.

Nowadays we need building codes that restrict just how high people can build the walls that separate their front yards from the public sidewalk and the street. In Los Angeles, the city’s four-foot height restriction is not enough for many people, so they plant hedges that go six feet high or more.

Now, behind these “safe” barriers, we can continue to insulate ourselves from all the people who might make demands on our time that take us away from our busy schedule. After all, we can socialize all night long on Facebook or Instagram when we are all done with everything else and too exhausted to go out with anyone IRL!

So how does this affect us as therapists?

Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D., posits in his 2009 book, Depression is Contagious, that depression is not only an increasing problem for our modern society, in many cases it is actually caused by our modern society.

Humans are social animals, and when society encourages us to isolate ourselves from others, we become depressed. We are alone in our apartments, we see “everyone else” having fun on social media, we get depressed, it gets harder and harder to get out of the house and do something social.

So how do we change this toxic dynamic?

Change needs to occur on several levels:

1. Societal
   We need to encourage neighborhood gatherings and gatherings based on shared interests. (Have you signed up for an LA-CAMFT brunch meeting lately?). We need to vote for politicians who want to build parks and other places where people can gather and socialize.
2. Family
   We need to have regular family gatherings and encourage relationships by bringing others into our homes and lives.
3. Professional
   We need to encourage our clients to get out and do things, any things, that involve other people.

How can we help our clients find ways to socialize?

This used to be very simple, but I find that many of my clients these days would like to be more active socially, but they don’t know where to start. Here are some of the suggestions I give them:

1. Do anything.
   Know that whatever you choose doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, your experience can be fairly unsatisfying (you make no new friends) and it will still serve to pick up your mood if you merely talk to, engage with, or even simply be in the presence of, other people. So just do something.
2. Wean yourself from social media.
   Social media is fake socializing. It will give you the illusion of being connected, but will leave you feeling empty, without even understanding why. It will probably leave you with a feeling that there is something wrong with you, not to have a life as perfect as those of your “friends.”
   There are apps and hacks that can help you restrict and/or monitor your own social media use. Experiment and see which ones might be helpful for you.
3. Volunteer
   When you take the pressure off of yourself to make new friends and focus on the goal of making someone else’s life better, you will be surprised at how much you feel better about yourself as a result. Studies have shown that volunteering will reliably increase your mood.
4. Re-connect with old friends or distant family
   Many of my clients have been surprised to find how much they enjoy connecting with distant family members to help them fill out the genogram that we are working on in our sessions. Connecting with family members has a double effect: you connect with others, and you feel more connected to your own family history.
5. Get a dog
   Not everyone is able to do this but walking a dog around your neighborhood is a sure-fire way to encourage people to talk to you, and you’ll need to do it on a regular basis, besides!

Loneliness, depression, and anxiety are all inextricably intertwined. Giving your clients tools to combat loneliness will help them feel a sense of agency in their own struggle with all three. It’s a win-win-win!

Amy McManus, LMFT, helps anxious young adults build healthy new relationships with themselves and others after a breakup. Amy’s blog, “Life Hacks,” offers practical tips for thriving in today’s crazy plugged-in world. Learn more about Amy from her website www.thrivetherapyla.com.