Help Your Clients Find Their “Why” —
A Values-Based Approach to Treating Anxiety

An interesting thing happened in one of my therapy sessions this week. A young woman in the creative arts—let’s call her Carla—was talking about a part-time job she was taking in order to supplement her income. She had researched the company carefully, and she liked their commitment to being carbon neutral. She found the people who worked there to be friendly and engaging. She liked the clothes and accessories she would be selling and looked forward to shopping there with her employee discount. Like many young people in Los Angeles, she has been struggling to meet people, and she was looking forward to meeting more young women with values and interests similar to her own.

And yet she was quite anxious about accepting the job.

“Are you feeling confident you can manage the extra work?” I asked. She responded quickly in the affirmative. “Have you had a similar job in the past that was difficult in some way?” I inquired further. “Yes! The last time I did this, I was so exhausted all the time. I didn’t have the energy to pursue my craft.” She paused, then added, “I’m so afraid that if I take this job I am getting farther and farther away from my real goals.”

I have heard this before. Many of the young people I work with are stretched thin, working several jobs, or working like crazy to get ahead at just one. They are exhausted and dispirited at the end of their workday. Come Friday, they either stay home, order takeout, and watch Netflix, or they go out drinking with friends and spend the rest of their time recovering. Rinse, repeat.

They all suffer from high levels of anxiety.

Their anxiety is not always what it seems. Most of my clients are good at juggling their busy schedules. They know how to manage calendars and deadlines. They have healthy hobbies like yoga and playing the piano. So, where’s the disconnect?

Let’s go back to my original story. Carla knew exactly how to manage her schedule and her budget. She always made her rent, though sometimes it was close. And unlike many of her peers, she is paid to perform in her chosen field—a fact that she both appreciates and enjoys. Overall, Carla’s life is full and happy, and she enjoys being busy.

But in the past, when Carla was asked to take on an extra shift at the shop, she always said yes. She quickly went from being happily busy to being overwhelmed and miserable.

Carla didn’t really suffer from anxiety, she suffered from fear. Fear that if she said no, people wouldn’t like her. Fear that if she said no, she would be fired and wouldn’t be able to cover her expenses. Fear that if she said no, she would end up alone.

Once we were able to distinguish the difference between the anxiety and the fear, I gave Carla the good news — “Carla, this is actually something you have some power to control. We just have to make sure you are clear on what your boundaries are at work.”

I continued, “First we will identify the values you are expressing by taking this job. Then we can clarify your goals and your boundaries. You can learn to be comfortable sticking to those boundaries because they accurately reflect your values and your goals. Then, you will change this dynamic where you are accepting too much work and are exhausted all the time. Better yet, you can conquer the anxiety that tells you to be worried that you will become overwhelmed and have no time or energy for your art.”

“Now let’s talk about the fear.”

Of course, working with the fear of being fired, or of not being liked, is not easy. We all know this. But it will make a difference, because it is the real problem.

There is a lot of buzz these days about #JONO: the Joy Of saying NO. But truly, the joy is not in simply saying no; it’s more complicated than that. 

We must help our clients clearly identify their values and goals so that they can be comfortable holding their boundaries.

Once they are clear about their Why, they will feel comfortable saying no because it is aligned with their values. They will be basing their behavior on their core beliefs, and not on the whim of a co-worker, boss, or client.

Carla left our session with a big smile on her face. She had taken back the power to decide her fate. Two extra shifts per month—that’s all she would accept. Just deciding this for herself, and being clear on her goals and her boundaries, was what made all the difference.

Amy McManus, LMFT, specializes in communication between parents and teens. Amy previously worked for four years as a school counselor in various high schools in Los Angeles. She has raised four teenagers of her own, and is married to a high school teacher and administrator. Amy’s weekly blog (http://www.thrivetherapyla.com/blog/) offers parenting tips and other mental health information for parents and teens. You can contact Amy at amymcmanuslmft@gmail.com.