Quality Friendship: How to Recognize a Friend Who Is Good For You, Part 2

A good friendship can have a positive and uplifting impact on your life. It's important to recognize the signs of a healthy and supportive friendship. Moreover, being with a good friend can teach you how to be a good friend yourself.

How Your History May Hamper Your Ability to Establish Genuine Friendships

Ability to Discriminate
It’s possible that if you have a history of being abused or betrayed you will doubt or spurn overtures of genuine friendship. The approach of a new friend can seem too good to be true. You may feel you are being set up, lured into a friendly relationship that will turn sour quickly. You may be angry in advance of the coming exploitation you are sure will follow the friendship overture. Learning how to discriminate between an approaching charmer who attempts to deceive you to get what they want and an approaching friend who is looking for a warm and honest bond is your growth challenge.

Taking time to get to know someone under different conditions, enjoying what is offered with no expectations or commitments, gradually learning if this person is trustworthy is the nature of developing a friend.

How to Assess
Developing the ability to assess without accepting too soon or dismissing too soon is part of your ongoing growth challenge. You learn to hold your feelings, discriminate between what feelings you had when you were exploited and compare those situations to what is going on in this relationship in the here and now. Strong feelings can influence your perceptions. If your feelings come from past associations that do not relate to your present situation your perceptions can be distorted and incorrect.

Distorted Perception
It's important to recognize that strong emotions have the potential to influence your perceptions. If your emotions stem from past experiences that are unrelated to your present situation, they can distort your perceptions and lead to incorrect judgments.

By actively comparing your past associations with the present relationship, you can gain a clearer understanding of whether your suspicions are warranted or if they are based on unfounded fears. This process allows you to navigate your emotions more effectively and make more informed decisions about the trustworthiness of a potential friend. Your fears may be real and strong, but they may not be related at all to the exchange you have with the new person.

Furthermore, as you continue to grow, it becomes crucial to develop a deeper self-awareness that enables you to recognize the origins of your feelings and perceptions. By understanding the sources of your emotions, whether they arise from past traumas or present experiences, you can better discern their relevance to the current friendship.

Self-Awareness
In order to avoid falling into the trap of dismissing genuine friendships out of fear or accepting toxic relationships due to misguided trust, it is essential to engage in mindful observation. Take the time to objectively evaluate the actions, words, and intentions of the person extending friendship to you.

Evaluate too, your own internal responses and judgements that rise up in your own consciousness. Use your skill and growing maturation to stay in the present. This process involves considering the consistency of their and your behavior, their willingness to listen and understand and yours, plus the alignment of their actions with their words and that alignment within yourself too.

Boundaries
It’s crucial to maintain healthy boundaries and not rush into deep commitments or complete withdrawal. Allow the friendship to unfold naturally over time, revealing its true nature and depth. By gradually building trust through shared experiences, open communication, and mutual respect, you can develop a more accurate assessment of the person's character and intentions.

Every new friendship is a unique opportunity for growth and connection. While your past experiences may have influenced your outlook, it is important to approach each relationship with an open mind and the willingness to let go of preconceived notions. By actively challenging your own biases and giving people a fair chance, you create the possibility of forming meaningful and authentic connections.

More Signs of a Good Friendship

Shared Values and Beliefs 
A good friendship often aligns with shared values and beliefs. You and your friend have similar principles and moral compasses, which create a sense of harmony and understanding. This shared foundation allows for deeper connections and mutual respect.

Example: You and your friend share core values such as honesty, integrity, and compassion. Your friendship is built on a common understanding of what is important in life.

Celebration of Differences
In a good friendship, differences are embraced and celebrated. You and your friend appreciate and respect each other's unique qualities, perspectives, and backgrounds. These differences bring diversity and richness to the friendship, fostering growth and learning.

Example: You and your friend come from different cultural backgrounds, and instead of letting it create barriers, you both appreciate the opportunity to learn from each other's traditions and experiences.

Reliability in Times of Need
A good friend shows up for you during challenging times. They are there to offer practical help, a listening ear, or simply a comforting presence when you're going through a difficult situation. Their reliability and willingness to support you create a sense of security.

Example: When you experience a family crisis, your friend rearranges their schedule to be by your side and provide the support you need.

Laughter and Joy
A good friendship is filled with laughter, joy, and shared moments of happiness. You and your friend find delight in each other's company, share inside jokes, and create memories that bring smiles to your faces.

Example: Spending time with your friend always leaves you feeling uplifted and laughing together, whether it's through silly conversations, watching funny movies, or reminiscing about hilarious experiences.

Growth and Acceptance
In a good friendship, both friends support each other's personal growth and accept each other's evolving identities. You encourage each other to pursue goals, learn from mistakes, and embrace new experiences. The friendship provides a safe space for personal development and acceptance.

Example: Your friend encourages you to take on new challenges and celebrates the growth and positive changes you make in your life.

Forgiveness and Understanding
Good friends have the ability to forgive and understand each other's mistakes or shortcomings. They recognize that everyone is human and can make errors, and they choose to focus on the overall bond and shared positive experiences rather than holding grudges.

Example: When you make a mistake that affects your friend, they communicate their feelings, but they also forgive you and work together to repair the friendship.

Honest Feedback
In a good friendship, both friends provide honest feedback to help each other grow. They offer constructive criticism with kindness and care, knowing that it comes from a place of love and support.

Example: Your friend gently points out areas where you can improve or offers suggestions for personal development, and you appreciate their honesty and willingness to help you become the best version of yourself.

Ultimately, a good friendship involves unconditional support. Your friend is there for you through thick and thin, without judgment or conditions. They offer a safe haven where you can be vulnerable and know that you will be accepted and supported. Regardless of the circumstances, your friend stands by your side, offering unwavering support and love.

A good friendship requires effort and reciprocity from both sides. By recognizing these signs, you can cherish and nurture your valuable friendships, fostering happiness, personal growth, and a sense of belonging.

(Note: Certain qualities are not listed here. Friendship is not dependent on money, status, fame, celebrity, power or connections. Relationships based on these variables may be valuable in business and your profession, but they are transactional. As long as both parties know this there is no deception and no foul. But be careful not to let transactional friendships be confused with genuine friendship.)

If you find you continually are disappointed in your friendships, if your expectations are unfounded, if you doubt the trustworthiness of others too quickly, this may be a signal that psychotherapy is needed. You may need support and encouragement to develop beyond your relationship fears that are founded in past wounds that are still raw today.

Joanna Poppink, LMFT, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder, is in private practice and specializes in Eating Disorder Recovery for adult women and with an emphasis on building a fulfilling life beyond recovery. She is licensed in California, Florida, Oregon, and Utah. All appointments are virtual. Website: EatingDisorderRecovery.net