Member Article

5 Common Reasons Behind Divorce

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

It’s 2 a.m., and You Can’t Sleep.

You lie awake, replaying the same conversations, the arguments, and the silence that hangs in your home like a thick fog. You wonder, “How did we get here? Is divorce really the only way out?” This is the story gap, the tension pulling at your heart, and you’re not alone. Many people reach this point, feeling lost, overwhelmed, and unsure of the next step.

The Problem

Divorce isn’t just a piece of paper or a courtroom battle; it’s a journey filled with heartache, confusion, and unmet expectations. Life often becomes a series of fights, misunderstandings, or cold silences, and you start to feel more like roommates than partners. Deep down, you wrestle with feelings of failure, guilt, and even shame, questioning whether you’re worthy of love or if you’re the reason things fell apart. It feels fundamentally unfair—you promised each other forever, and now you’re left wondering, “Why did it have to end like this?”

But here’s the truth: it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s another path, and it begins with understanding the most common reasons marriages fall apart and how to navigate them.

5 Common Reasons Behind Divorce

As a divorce mediator with over 30 years of experience, I’ve seen countless couples facing what you’re going through. By identifying the root causes of divorce, you gain a clearer understanding of why relationships break down. Let’s dive into five of the top reasons for divorce to help you make sense of what might be happening in your own relationship.

1. Communication Breakdown

When communication breaks down, couples often start feeling disconnected. Misunderstandings build up, arguments become frequent, and conversations turn into battles. You might feel unheard or like you’re always walking on eggshells. Over time, small issues that could have been resolved become insurmountable mountains. It’s not just about the words that are said, but the feeling that you’re no longer on the same team. This sense of isolation is one of the most common and painful reasons couples drift toward divorce.

2. Financial Issues

Money is one of the leading causes of stress in a marriage. Different spending habits, financial goals, or debt can create tension that, if left unaddressed, can tear couples apart. It’s not just about the lack of money or differing financial philosophies; it’s the sense of betrayal or mistrust that often accompanies financial disagreements. When couples aren’t on the same page about money, it becomes a source of resentment and frustration. Over time, this financial friction can erode the foundation of even the strongest relationships. This constant stress makes it difficult to focus on what brought you together in the first place.

3. Infidelity

Discovering an affair can feel like a devastating betrayal, breaking the trust that once held your marriage together. The pain and anger can be overwhelming, leaving you unsure of whether you can ever forgive or trust again. Infidelity often stems from deeper issues in the relationship, such as unmet needs or emotional disconnects. However, it’s more than just a single act; it’s a breach of the shared promise and commitment that’s supposed to bind a marriage. The emotional fallout can be immense, leading to feelings of inadequacy, anger, and profound sadness. This type of betrayal makes it incredibly difficult to rebuild what’s been lost.

4. Incompatibility and Growing Apart

Over time, people change, and sometimes couples find themselves growing in different directions. Incompatibility can emerge when values, interests, or life goals no longer align, making it feel like you’re living with a stranger. As intimacy fades, the connection that once bonded you together starts to feel like a distant memory. When you find yourselves spending more time apart or feeling unfulfilled in each other’s company, it’s easy to feel stuck in a partnership that no longer serves either person. This drifting apart can be a silent but powerful force driving couples toward divorce. It’s one of the most painful realizations when you wake up one day and feel like you no longer recognize the person you married.

5. Unresolved Conflicts

Every couple faces challenges, but when conflicts remain unresolved, they start to fester. Whether it’s old wounds, family disputes, or personal grievances, these lingering issues become toxic over time. Rather than addressing the problems, many couples sweep them under the rug, hoping they’ll magically disappear. Unfortunately, they rarely do, and the buildup of unspoken frustrations can lead to bitterness and resentment. When couples stop working together to resolve issues, it signals the end of teamwork and shared goals. It’s this persistent feeling that your needs, desires, and concerns will never be met that leads to the decision to part ways. 

Take the First Step Today

You might be thinking, “But we’ve tried everything,” or “This will just be another failed attempt.” It’s natural to feel skeptical, especially when you’re hurt or exhausted. The truth is, mediation isn’t about forcing you back together or making you stay apart. It’s about providing a space where both of you can express your needs, fears, and hopes without judgment.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a battlefield. It can be an opportunity for growth, understanding, and a healthier future—whether that’s together or apart.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.

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