The Secrets to Creating a Loving, "I-Thou" Relationship. Do You Love Too Much?

What does it mean to love too much? Aren't we taught since early childhood that loving another and finding our perfect mate is our most important task? The theme of finding true love and the pain endured when it doesn't appear or last permeates poetry, literature, movies, television, music. We want to be completed by that partner who will fill our hearts bodies and lives with that joy which surpasses in every way living alone with ourselves.

"I'm so lonely. I want someone to share my life with. Why do all my relationships which start out so well end so sadly?” Hmm, why do they? In my thirty years of practicing psychotherapy with individuals and couples who are either in unfulfilling relationships or alone, I have discovered what my clients need to know and the steps they need to take to find that perfect mate for them.

The first step is to recognize that we are complete and whole unto ourselves. What does that mean? Sounds kind of biblical?!? Well, it isn't so much biblical as a spiritual definition of what each person actually is. In this schoolroom we call life, each of us is here to learn and express his or her unique, perfect, wonderful self. But suppose we have grown up in a family with physical, verbal and emotional abuse? Suppose our family system was so dysfunctional, hurtful and unsupportive that we never felt lovable or safe or confident enough to really step out on the promise that the world is waiting for us to share our wonderful talents, gifts and creativity?

The second step to finding your soul mate and a happy, fulfilling committed relationship is to understand your Family of Origin by working with a seasoned psychotherapist who will guide you to explore that Life Script which has created the adult you and your unsuccessful relationships.

John Bradshaw, in his book, Homecoming, defined the importance of “an interpersonal bridge” between the mother or other nurturing survival figure and the infant/child which is built on mutual respect and valuing. This “interpersonal bridge” forms the blueprint out of which new relationships can be created. If our mother and or other nurturing survival figure was unable or unwilling to love us unconditionally, to mirror through the eyes, voice and behavior our perfect I AMness, we will be searching for a lifetime to find that other person who will love us, care for us, support us emotionally . . . in other words, a mommy or daddy who will finally give us the love, attention and security we did not receive as children. But . . . we search for that special love from our wounded inner child who is split off from the adult, reasoning self.

If we were raised by parents who themselves were emotionally damaged by their family system and therefore did not know their own worth, were not loved, accepted, and guided by their parents, how could they possibly love us? So, our adult selves go out into the world “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Remember that song from the movie, “Urban Cowboy?” But
. . . our search is doomed from the beginning because our unloved, unaccepted, hurting, insecure wounded child is making the choices from a self which has no right to depend on anyone.

Those are just two of the steps, there are more. Stay tuned.

This article was previously published in Voices, June 2019.

Leila Aboohamad, LMFT, is a psychotherapist practicing in Brentwood, West Los Angeles, and Santa Monica. She works with clients in person or through teletherapy. She specializes in helping individuals and couples heal the trauma from their Family of Origin so that they may create successful, committed, and loving relationships. Leila also works with gifted, talented and creative adults, helping them to identify and share their special gifts, talents. and passions with the world. Website: www.leilalmft.com.

LA-CAMFT’s Declaration
of Inclusion, Diversity, and Anti-Racism

Psychotherapy can be transformative in a democratic society, and can open intellectual inquiry that, at its best, influences and results in lasting positive change. In recognition of our shared humanity and concern for our community and world, LA-CAMFT loudly and overtly disavows all racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, classism, ableism, ageism, and hate speech or actions that attempt to silence, threaten, and degrade others. We in LA-CAMFT leadership hereby affirm our solidarity with those individuals and groups most at risk and further declare that embracing diversity and fostering inclusivity are central to the mission of our organization.

As mental health professionals, we value critical reasoning, evidence-based arguments, self-reflection, and the imagination. We hope to inspire empathy, advocate for social and environmental justice, and provide an ethical framework for our clients, our community, and ourselves.

We in LA-CAMFT leadership are committed to:

(1) the recognition, respect, and affirmation of differences among peoples

(2) challenging oppression and structural and procedural inequities that exist in society, generally, and in local therapeutic, agency, and academic settings

(3) offering diverse programming content and presenters throughout our networking event calendar, as well as in our workshops, trainings, and special events

While we traverse the turbulent seas of the important and necessary changes taking place in our country, in order to form a “more perfect union.” we wish to convey our belief that within our community exists an immense capacity for hope. We believe in and have seen how psychotherapy, therapeutic relationships, and mental health professions can be agents of positive change, without ignoring or denying that the practice and business of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy have historically been the cause of great harm, trauma, and emotional toll, particularly for people of color and other marginalized groups. We are committed to doing our part to help remedy that which we have the position, privilege, and/or resources to do so.

At LA-CAMFT events, all members are welcome regardless of race/ethnicity, gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, disabilities, religion, regional background, Veteran status, citizenship, status, nationality and other diverse identities that we each bring to our professions. We expect that leadership and members will promote an atmosphere of respect for all members of our community.

In a diverse community, the goal of inclusiveness encourages and appreciates expressions of different ideas, opinions, and beliefs, so that potentially divisive conversations and interactions become opportunities for intellectual and personal growth. LA-CAMFT leadership wants to embrace this opportunity to create and maintain inclusive and safe spaces for all of our members, free of bias, discrimination, and harassment, where people will be treated with respect and dignity and where all individuals are provided equitable opportunity to participate, contribute, and succeed.

We value your voice in this process. If you feel that our leadership or programming falls short of this commitment, we encourage you to get involved, and to begin a dialogue with those in leadership. It is undeniable that the success of LA-CAMFT relies on the participation, support, and understanding of all its members.

Wishing good health to you and yours, may you find yourself centered in feelings of abundance, safety, belonging, and peace.

Standing together,
The LA-CAMFT Board of Directors and Diversity Committee

Attention LA-CAMFT Members!
2021 LA-CAMFT Board Meeting Dates

Ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at a LA-CAMFT Full Board Meeting? LA-CAMFT members are invited to attend monthly Full Board Meetings hosted at Factor’s Deli in West Los Angeles.

March 12
April 9
May 14
June 18
July 9
August 13
September 10
October 8
November 12

Online Via Zoom

Voices Publication Guidelines for 2021

Calling all community writers and contributors!

Are you searching for a unique platform to express your passions and showcase your expertise in the Marriage and Family Therapy field? Look no further, as we welcome your input!

Following are the due dates and publication guidelines for submitting articles and ads for the 2021 calendar year to Voices, LA-CAMFT's monthly newsletter:

Upcoming Voices Newsletters	Submission Deadlines
May	April 1
June	May 1
July	June 1
August	July 1
September	August 1
October	September 1
November	October 1
December	November 1

 

 

LA-CAMFT Publishing Guidelines for Voices

• All submissions are DUE by the 1ST of each month.
  • Around the 15th of each month, you will receive the editor’s call for articles for the next edition of VOICES.
  • This editor’s call will allow contributors to have up to 2 weeks to put together all the material for submission by the 1st of the month.
  • Around the 25th of each month, you will receive the editor’s second and last call for articles, reminding contributors to submit completed articles by the first should they wish to be included in VOICES.
  • In this last call for submissions, the editor will include a list of the content planned for the next edition of VOICES. This editorial list will note submissions received as well as submissions expected but not yet received and which must be received by the 1st in order to be included.
  • Any submissions received after the 1st, will be included in the following month's edition of VOICES.
• ARTICLES are 500–1000 word submissions by LA-CAMFT members, sponsors, speakers, or recognized experts in their field. Only universal file formats, like Word (.doc and docx.) will be accepted as submissions. If an article is submitted in a “.pages” format, it will be returned to the submitter.
• HYPERLINKS in articles must be individually typed into the body of the article by the writer and must be included at time of submission. It is the responsibility of each writer to “type in” the hyperlink(s) in their own work when the article is submitted. Putting “LIVE LINK” in the body of an article won't work. When multiple links are being included, this must be made clear by the writer as to where each link is to be featured.
• IMAGES: All personal headshots or images must be attached to an email as either a JPEG, PNG or TIF. Images pasted into an email are not acceptable since the quality of such photos is diminished. Any images received in the body of the email may result in delayed publication of the submission.
• AUTHOR TAGLINES: Author taglines are a short paragraph of 50 to 75 words after the end of the article in which the author is identified. It includes the author's full name, pertinent professional credentials, a short business description, and website address with a HYPERLINK. Email addresses and phone numbers are not included — the only exceptions are lacamft.org emails. All taglines are limited to 75 words, MAXIMUM. This word count includes the author's name and website.
• IMAGES OTHER THAN PERSONAL HEADSHOTS. There is an issue about images. When you submit an image other than a personal headshot, you must provide proof of how you obtained that photo. Following is a link that covers the importance of copyright issues, but especially so when it comes to anything “Internet.” (Sued for Copyright Infringement)
• AN ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN:
  • Helpful tips, strategies, analysis, and other specific useful clinical, educational, business or professional marketing or networking information.
  • A review of literature or arts (reviewer not related to or in business with the creator of the item being reviewed).
• AN ARTICLE MAY NOT CONTAIN:
  • Reference to commercial products or services being sold or distributed by author;
  • Information that is only useful if the author’s book or other materials are purchased
  • Suggestions that the reader attend the author’s workshop, conference or podcast for more information;
  • Any other material that could be construed as an advertisement, rather than an article;
  • Language that could be construed as defamatory, discriminatory, or offensive