Member Article

The Emotional Stages of Divorce (and Why Mediation Helps You Heal Faster)

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

​You thought the hard part was making the decision to divorce. But now that you’re in it, you’re realizing the emotions are heavier and more complicated than you expected. Some days you feel relief, other days you feel overwhelmed, and sometimes you wonder if life will ever feel normal again.

What nobody told you is that divorce is not just a legal process — it’s an emotional journey.

But there’s good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in the pain.

Why Divorce Feels So Overwhelming (and Unfair)

Divorce doesn’t just change your address or your bank account — it shakes the very foundation of your life.

Here’s what’s really happening:

You’re suddenly facing a mountain of logistics — custody schedules, property division, financial negotiations. It can feel like you’re putting out fires every single day, with no end in sight.

At the same time, you’re carrying invisible burdens. Anxiety, loneliness, grief, and even guilt can show up without warning. It’s overwhelming trying to manage deep emotional pain while making decisions that will shape the rest of your life.

And somehow, through all of this, you’re expected to stay clear-headed and focused — even though everything inside you feels unsteady.
It’s not right that a process so heavy and personal often feels cold and transactional.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There’s a better path — one that helps you navigate the practical details while also giving space for emotional healing.

A Better Way to Heal and Move Forward

As a divorce mediator with more than 30 years of experience helping couples transition out of marriage with dignity and hope, I believe you deserve a divorce process that honors your emotional journey — not just the legal paperwork.

That’s why I’m sharing a few powerful ways to manage the emotional stages of divorce — and why mediation can help you heal faster and more completely.

1. Understand the Emotional Stages Are Normal

Grief isn’t reserved only for death. Divorce can trigger a similar cycle of emotions — denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and eventually, acceptance.

Knowing that these emotional ups and downs are part of the process (and that they won’t last forever) can ease the pressure you put on yourself.

In mediation, we create space to acknowledge the emotional side of the experience — not to judge it, but to allow healing to start.

2. Focus on Small Wins

When you’re standing at the base of a mountain of change, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and stuck.
Instead of trying to solve everything at once, focus on small victories:

• Completing a parenting plan
• Agreeing on a fair division of assets
• Finalizing your mediation agreement

Each step you take builds confidence and helps restore a sense of control.
In mediation, I guide clients through these manageable steps, so progress feels steady — not overwhelming.

3. Choose Cooperation Over Combat

Court battles often add more hurt to an already painful situation. Litigation can pit you against your former spouse, deepen resentments, and leave lasting emotional scars.

Mediation offers another way — one that encourages problem-solving, mutual respect, and forward movement.

Choosing cooperation doesn’t mean giving up what matters to you. It means protecting your peace of mind, your children’s well-being, and your own emotional future.

4. Prioritize Emotional Self-Care

Divorce drains your energy, not just your time and finances. It’s easy to put your own well-being last when you’re focused on everything else.
But small, intentional acts of self-care can make a tremendous difference:

• Meeting with a therapist
• Joining a support group
• Taking time for exercise, hobbies, or simple rest

In mediation, I encourage my clients to build a strong support system early — because legal agreements alone aren’t enough to rebuild a life. Healing needs attention too.

5. Envision Your New Life

When you’re going through divorce, it’s natural to focus on what’s being lost. But it’s just as important to start imagining what’s ahead:

• A calmer home environment
• Healthier relationships
• A second chance to build a life that feels right for you

Mediation keeps your attention on what you’re moving toward, not just what you’re leaving behind. It’s about creating space for hope, not just closure.

What If You’re Thinking, “But We Can’t Even Talk Without Fighting”?

If you’re worried that mediation won’t work because emotions are running too high, you’re not alone.
Here’s the good news: you don’t need to agree on everything to benefit from mediation.

You just need a willingness to show up and try.

As a trained mediator with decades of experience, I know how to guide difficult conversations, keep discussions productive, and move even tense situations toward workable solutions.

Mediation isn’t about pretending there’s no conflict — it’s about creating a safe space to work through conflict with respect and care.

Start Healing Today

If you’re ready to move out of the pain and start building a healthier, more peaceful future, mediation can help you get there faster — and with less emotional damage.

You deserve a process that protects not just your legal rights, but also your emotional well-being.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.