Guest Article

6 Tips to Help Parents of Adult Kids Build Strong and Satisfying Relationships

Kim Scott, LMFT

Many of my clients come to therapy seeking support around their relationships with their adult children. They often express sadness when family visits are infrequent, frustration over limited time with their grandchildren, or concerns about the life choices their adult children are making. Tensions may arise from differing values, political beliefs, or simply conflicting desires for closeness or space. These complex emotions are a natural part of evolving family dynamics.

Here are some tips that may help your clients nurture loving, close relationships with their grown children:

1. Embrace a New Relationship Dynamic

Adult children are no longer kids, so building a new kind of relationship is essential. It can be challenging for parents to accept their changing role in their children’s lives. This shift often involves grieving the loss of day-to-day contact or the feeling of not being needed as much as they once were.

Parents may long for daily chats, shared holidays, or being present for key life events like the birth of a grandchild. However, adult children may have different expectations for contact and involvement. They might deeply love their parents but still desire more independence or space, which can be healthy and necessary for their personal growth.

Just as friendships vary in closeness and frequency of contact, relationships with adult children also take different forms. Some adult children may want regular interaction, while others might prefer occasional check-ins. Recognizing and adapting to their child’s preferences while sharing their own fosters mutual respect and stronger connections.

2. Stay in Your Own Lane

It’s common for parents to have opinions and concerns about their adult children’s parenting style, eating habits, life partners, or lifestyle choices. I remind my clients that these are their children’s choices, not theirs, and staying in their own lane is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.

When children are younger, the parent’s role is clear: setting rules, establishing values, and guiding behavior. With adult children, the role changes—you move from being the boss to being a consultant. As a consultant, unsolicited advice is often viewed as criticism. Instead of freely offering opinions, take a step back. Listen to your child and seek to understand their thoughts, needs, and experiences—just as you would with a friend. 

Some of my clients worry that this approach requires them to “walk on eggshells.” I offer a reframe: In all meaningful relationships, choosing our words with care and consideration is a sign of respect, not restriction.

3. Notice Your Expectations and Keep Them in Check

Unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment, resentment, and guilt in family relationships. For example, your client may assume that their adult child will call weekly, have dinner with them every Sunday night, or care for them when they are older. If your client does not express and discuss these expectations with their children, your client may feel hurt or frustrated when their expectations are not met.

Encourage your clients to take time to identify and reflect on their expectations. They may also benefit from asking themselves if they have clearly communicated their expectations and desires to their children. Making implicit expectations explicit is key to co-creating a healthy relationship with their children. Open, honest conversations about needs and boundaries can reduce tension and build greater understanding.

4. Let Go of Past Narratives

It’s natural for parents to hold onto old narratives about their children—like viewing a once-forgetful son as someone who always loses his keys or a once-shy daughter as someone who struggles socially. However, these outdated perspectives can prevent your client from seeing and appreciating who their child has become, which will hurt their relationship.

I encourage my clients to let go of old stories, resentments, and even unfulfilled dreams they once held for their children. When parents release the past, they allow their adult children to show up as their true selves, creating space for a more authentic, fulfilling relationship.

5. Offer the Support Your Child Wants (Not Just What You Want to Give)

One of the most important questions to consider is: What kind of support is your child asking for? I often ask my clients to reflect on this in therapy. Sometimes, adult children want advice; other times, they just want to be heard. 

For example, simply teaching our clients to resist the urge to jump in with solutions when their child shares a problem, unless they specifically ask for help, can be very helpful. Instead, we should teach our clients to offer empathy and acknowledgment: “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.” We can also coach our clients to ask their children how they can be of help.  Adult children often need to feel seen, heard, and trusted to navigate their own lives.

6. Make Time to Have Fun Together

It can also be helpful to remind our clients that the old saying, “The family that plays together stays together,” holds a lot of truth. Shared joy and laughter can strengthen bonds and create lasting memories. Explore what activities both your client and their adult child enjoy and work with them on incorporating more play into their relationship.

These moments of connection remind us that relationships don’t have to be all about resolving conflicts or serious discussions. Simply enjoying each other’s company can go a long way toward building a strong, satisfying relationship.

As therapists, we are in an excellent position to help our clients navigate this time of change in their families. Building and maintaining healthy relationships with adult children is a journey that requires patience, flexibility, and self-reflection. By embracing change, setting healthy boundaries, and focusing on connection, you can help your clients create a meaningful bond with their children that evolves and grows over the years.

Kim Scott, LMFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth. Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit her website: www.kimscottmft.com