Building Parenting Plans that Survive a Pandemic

One of the many unfortunate outcomes of the current COVID-19 pandemic is that it is causing major issues between divorced parents who are trying to co-parent their children. Parents are either: 1) Sincerely concerned about children going back and forth between households or 2) See this as an opportunity to manipulate their custody order by unilaterally deciding to keep the children with them and denying the other parent their parenting time—and sometimes it’s difficult to tell which one is motivating their behavior. Attorneys and the courts have been bombarded with custody cases that need to be addressed and all at a time when the courts are completely shut down—leaving these parents with absolutely no recourse in the short-term.

However, this doesn’t have to be the case. If parents invest in building a comprehensive, proactive parenting plan on the front-end, they are equipped to: 1) Focus on their children’s well-being, 2) Find creative ways to deal with situations that arise, and 3) Develop a pattern of goodwill that promotes flexibility and working together over knee-jerk, adversarial approaches to dealing with problems.

Some of you may think that I’m painting too rosy of a picture regarding the benefits of a mediated parenting plan so here’s my body of proof—in the two months we’ve been sheltering at home I have not received one call or email from a past client regarding the other parent manipulating this situation. When you consider that over my 17 years as a mediator I’ve had close to 1,000 clients, this demonstrates the power of providing parents with structure and focus early on that enables them to effectively manage their strong negative emotions and keep their focus on their children’s long-term interests. Serendipitously, a focus on meeting the children’s needs often helps parents work through other divisive issues simply because they’re focused on their children’s best interests rather than on their conflicts and feelings about their soon to be ex.

So, how do we build these types of comprehensive, proactive parenting plans? Of course, there are a lot of elements, but some of the most important are:

1. Providing clarity and specificity regarding how the parents will handle typical parenting issues both during and after the divorce.

2. Dealing with potential issues proactively, rather than reactively.

3. Structure + Flexibility = Resiliency

Working with divorcing clients to create a customized, comprehensive parenting plan that is specific to their children’s needs—and provides the sense of order and consistency that children crave—does take some time (usually just 1—2 two-hour sessions). However, it is an investment in reduced conflict for the remainder of their co-parenting relationship (with young children it could easily be 10—15 years before they graduate from high school). It is also an investment not only in the well-being of their children, but also in minimizing/avoiding future mediation and/or attorney fees—less than 1% of my clients ever return to mediation after their divorce is finalized because they are so well-equipped with a combination of goodwill and specific structures to deal with issues that come up.

Specific aspects of comprehensive parenting plans are covered in this three-part Davis Mediation “Fundamental Elements of a Good Parenting Plan” YouTube Video Series.

Barry Davis, Divorce Mediator, Founder of Davis Mediation, has been helping clients get through the divorce process in the most amicable, affordable manner possible for 16 years. His passion is keeping children out of the middle of divorce so they can grow up healthy. As a divorce mediator, Barry holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology and Conflict Management and has served on the Torrance Family Court and Second Appellate District mediation panels. For more information and resources, visit www.DavisMediation.com or Davis Divorce Mediation’s YouTube Channel.

Previously published in Voices July, 2020