Member Article

Should I Choose Mediation or Litigation? Here’s How to Decide

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

The day the papers were served, everything changed. You stood in the middle of your kitchen holding a legal document, not just with a thousand questions but with one big one: What happens now? You know divorce is ahead. But the process? That part feels overwhelming. You’ve heard of mediation. You’ve heard of litigation. One sounds like war; the other, like a mystery. How do you know which path is right?

The Real Problem Most People Miss

Divorce isn’t just a legal matter—it’s a storm that touches every part of your life.

There’s the external chaos: paperwork, court dates, legal fees, and a process that can feel overwhelming and out of your control. It’s not just complicated—it’s exhausting.

Then there’s the internal struggle. You’re navigating fear, grief, and uncertainty all at once. Questions swirl: Will I be okay financially? How will this affect the kids? What if I get steamrolled in court? The emotional weight can feel heavier than anything the legal system puts in front of you.

And deep down, there’s a philosophical tension—a sense that something this personal shouldn’t be turned into a battle. It feels wrong that your family’s future could be decided by lawyers in a courtroom instead of through thoughtful, collaborative conversation.

But here’s the truth: it doesn’t have to be this way. There is another path.

There Is a Better Way

I’ve spent over 30 years helping couples navigate divorce with dignity, compassion, and clarity. As a licensed therapist and divorce mediator, I’ve seen firsthand what happens when people feel supported instead of attacked—and empowered instead of drained.

Here’s how to decide if mediation is the right path for you.

1. Understand the Key Difference: Conflict vs. Collaboration

Litigation is an adversarial process by design. Each party hires an attorney, builds a case, and goes to court to “win.”

Mediation is a collaborative process. Instead of fighting over what each party wants, you work with a trained mediator who helps both parties reach a mutually agreeable resolution.

If you want more control over the outcome and less hostility, mediation is likely the better fit.

2. Consider the Financial Impact

As mentioned above, litigation can cost tens of thousands of dollars per person. Fees stack up quickly with attorneys, court appearances, delays, and administrative costs.

Mediation, by contrast, often costs 60–80% less than litigation, according to the American Bar Association. It’s typically charged hourly and often requires fewer sessions.

If you’re concerned about finances—both now and long-term—mediation can help you preserve resources instead of draining them.

3. Think About Your Kids

If you have children, the stakes are even higher. Litigation can be toxic for co-parenting relationships, introducing years of tension and distrust.

Mediation centers around constructive communication. Many mediators, including myself, help parents develop co-parenting plans that prioritize the children’s well-being and reduce long-term conflict.

If protecting your children’s emotional health is a top priority, mediation supports that goal better than court battles do.

4. Evaluate the Emotional Toll

Litigation is often a slow, emotionally grueling process. Court appearances, attorney arguments, and drawn-out timelines can escalate anger and anxiety.

Mediation encourages calm, structured dialogue in a private setting. It helps you move forward faster, and with far less emotional damage.

If you’re already feeling emotionally drained, mediation offers a more humane alternative to litigation.

5. Ask Yourself What Kind of Closure You Want

Court rulings rarely provide emotional closure. They settle disputes, but they don’t heal wounds.

Mediation helps couples gain clarity, feel heard, and walk away with understandinginstead of just a judgment.

If you want peace of mind, not just a piece of paper, mediation helps bring closure with compassion.

But What If My Situation Feels Too Complicated?

You might be thinking, “This sounds great—but not for my situation. My spouse is difficult. There’s too much conflict.”

That’s a common concern. But mediation doesn’t require that you agree on everything—just that you’re both willing to try. A skilled mediator helps de-escalate tension, bring structure to chaos, and clarify even the messiest disagreements.

Mediation isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being productive.

Take the First Step Toward Clarity

You don’t have to step into a courtroom to find resolution. You can take control of your future, protect your emotional well-being, and prioritize what matters most—without the high cost of conflict.

Because you deserve more than just a legal outcome.

You deserve clarity, dignity, and a fresh start.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.